One of the things that has kept me going for the past month or so is the idea of hope; hope that things will get better and that I will find a clear and direct path to happiness. However, with each passing day, which turns into weeks, this idea of hope feels further and further away from my own sense of reality. And today was a particularly hard day for me.
Once I finally managed to get out of bed, which I have noticed is becoming more and more of a challenge, I looked at what I had wanted to do today. After my dreams from the night before (see a previous post) I decided that anything I had planned would need to be put on the back burner. My friend Kris invited me to go for a walk with her during her lunch break and though the sun was finally shining here, I just couldn't muster up the energy. Well, she wasn't about to take no for an answer and so she came to me and we sat in the house talking for her entire lunch break...and then some. It really meant a lot to me that she came to the house and even though I wanted to be alone with my sadness, her visit gave me a bit of a respite.
After Kris left, my original goal was to go to the store to buy the ingredients to make Chris' favorite cookies. However, I decided that I was not going to leave the house and thus I sat in darkness for the day. For several hours I sat on the floor curled in a ball and just cried. Then I decided I should at least sit out in the sun, so I went in the back yard and cried for a couple of hours back there.
Once Chris arrived home he read the paper and then we were off to Grandma's house for dinner. After dinner we talked for a bit and then we headed off to Mom's place to check on her, since she has been ill this week, and also to pick up the recipe for the cookies and one ingredient we didn't have here at the house.
And now, I hope to get a good night's sleep without any disturbing dreams and to get up refreshed and ready to make cookies.
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