Happy Birthday Kris

Today is the birthday of my friend Kris. She and I went to school together many, many years ago in Baraboo. After nearly 20 years of not seeing or talking with one another she located me on facebook. Since then, we have emailed often and upon my arrival in Baraboo we have seen each other on a regular basis. It has been great getting to know you all over again and I wish you the happiest of birthdays and a most amazing year.

Happy Anniversary

Today is a special day for me. It is the one year anniversary of my civil union ceremony with Carsten. So Carsten, if you are reading this, Happy Anniversary. One year ago today you made the happiest person and though we are apart this year on our special day, I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Thank you for an amazing year in Germany and for making me your partner.

I think I'm at a loss for words

One of my favorite lines from Golden Girls is when something bad happens to Blanche and she says "I am stunned. Just stunned. There is no other word for how I am feeling but...stunned." In a way I feel much the same way. I am stunned at where my life is at currently, at the decisions I need to be making and how scary my future feels to me. I am stunned at the amount of support I have received and stunned at how certain people seem to avoid dealing with emotions all together. I am stunned that things I write about on my blog, especially me and my life, can be so hurtful and have such a profound impact on the lives of others.

I have decided to take some time away from my blog. It has become such an important part of who I am, but at the same time seems to be hurting people I love and possibly pushing others away. I don't know how long I will be gone, possibly a day, maybe a week. I know I will be back writing on here, or possibly on a new blog. But for now I need to figure out what direction I need to be taking in terms of finding happiness in my life.

As always, I thank you for your support and for taking time out of your lives to read about me. Feel free to email me with any thoughts, questions or comments and I will respond at quickly as possible.

My weekend

I realize I am behind the time with this since it is late Sunday night, but here is the summary of my weekend. I spent much of Saturday with my mom. We haven't spent a lot of time together in the five weeks I have been here, so it was nice to spend the day with her. We went to the Fair on the Square, which is a downtown Baraboo thing. We had a good time and I found the rocking chair I have been looking for for about 10 years or so. I also saw some friends of mine and chatted for a bit. Afterward we went shopping at some stores and then went for lunch together with Chris. Later in the day we went to a baby shower, which we stayed at for 6 hours. It was my longest shower and one of the most fun. Afterward at home, Chris and I stayed up until 2:30 am watching a movie.

On Sunday, we got up early, had a nice breakfast an then started our day. We went grocery shopping and then went to buy lawn care and household items. Back at home, we did some lawn care and then I spoke with Carsten. As usual, it wasn't the feel good conversation I would hope for, but it was nice to hear his voice and to hear where he is at with things in regards to our relationship, or what is left of it. In the evening, we invited mom and Dick over for dinner and then had a bonfire.

I can't say it was a good weekend, but it was filled with a lot to do. I still miss my life back in Germany, but it is looking like I will be in the States longer than expected. I guess only time will tell where I will end up.

We have snow flurries

Although the weather report said snow flurries were likely to fall on Sunday, they just couldn't wait to drop. So, this morning we have flurries outside, with cold winds and gray skies. Just a typical autumn day in Baraboo!

My plan for today is to go to the Fair on the Square with my mom to see what the vendors have for sale this year. Later in the afternoon I am going to a baby shower and then possibly out for ladies night (don't ask) later in the night.

I will write an entry later in the day updating how the day went and all the exciting events that crossed my path here in the bombing metropolis of Baraboo.

Homecoming

After my last blog entry, I proceeded to get sick twice. I don't know if it is the emotional turmoil, my physical health or what, but my body is really trying to tell me something of late. But, I couldn't let getting sick interfere with my plans for today, which was to celebrate homecoming with a high school friend of mine. So, here is a breakdown of the day:

I got ready and headed off to my friend Kris' work place to drop off a container of hers, after which I stopped by my Aunt Sugar's work to chat with her for a bit. I met up at 11am with my friend Sue, who I was spending the day with. We grabbed a bite to eat at Monk's, with her husband Roger, and then it was off to the high school for the Pep Rally. While at the rally, I saw a lot of teachers that I had and was surprised so many are still working there. My favorite teacher from high school saw me and ran up to me and gave me a hug. It was great to see her and to be remembered. As for the Rally itself, wow does the students ever have school spirit. It was a blast to watch them play their games and get all excited for the homecoming game that was only a few hours away.

After the Rally, we noticed we had a parking ticket and so I immediately told Sue to take pictures of the car the street sign and the curb as we were going to the Police Station to contest the ticket. It worked; and that is one thing that is great about living in a small town. In Chicago we would have to wait for a court date to do anything like this. Now, we still had a few hours before the parade was to begin, so we took Roger home and then Sue and I drove around Baraboo look for For Rent signs as they have to move in the near future. We found some potential places and also a fantastic new apartment complex that has every amenity you could ask for. I was shocked at all that you got with this place and how inexpensive it is, compared to what I have been used to paying.

We needed to make a run back up to the high school, as Sue's son needed something from home but he was unable to get there before the parade. So we ran to the house, picked it up and then drove around the high school where the floats were lining up to try and find him. Two things happened at this point. The first is that as we passed the cheerleaders float one of them bent over and showed off more than maybe she expected. I'm thinking she isn't used to wearing something so short. I was shocked at how much of her lady bits I saw! The second thing that happened is as we pulled into a parking lot I saw a friend of mine who lives in Florida. I jumped out of the car, called his name and we chatted briefly. He is only here for a few days and it was so weird to me that our paths would cross and at this location. He offered for me to live with him in Florida if I should decide to stay in the US and find a job there, as he has plenty of room and would love the company.

Okay, now we are off to the parade. It was fun to be an observer of this parade. I was always in the parade but never got to see it. I also ran into a lot of people I went to high school with. I am assuming they live in the area and didn't just come here for the parade, but who knows really. It was nice to see them. After the parade I went back home for a couple hours to relax before the football game. Plus I needed to grab a warmer coat. I left my winter coat and stuff in Germany, so I needed to borrow something of Chris'.

The football game was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed my time with Sue and I think her husband Roger is a doll. The game was interesting. Baraboo lost 47-12 against Mt. Horeb, but from what I have heard Baraboo always loses. The atmosphere was fun though and of course the people watching at a small town football game is top notch.

After the game I came home and tried to warm up. I was so cold from sitting outside, well that isn't exactly true. My feet and hands were cold but everything else was fine. So I relaxed and watched some Scooby Doo while curled up under a warm blanket. And now I am off to bed as I am exhausted from sleeping so little last night and then having such a busy day today.

But before I go, three interesting things happened today regarding the country of Germany. First, during lunch the woman sitting behind me was talking about her recent trip to Germany and how much she loved the country. Enter pang in my stomach. At the pep rally I saw a German flag hanging in the school for the German foreign exchange student they have. That kind of made me a little sad. Lastly, while watching Scooby Doo they had a German family in one of the episodes I watched, as evident by the fact that they spoke German at times in the show. I have been missing my home and life there more and more and these things only added to it. Anyway, just thought I would share.

A sheet was lifted, but the light switch turned off

My blog entry from yesterday did not turn out as I had expected it to. This is not necessarily a bad thing, I was just so shocked at how upset some people became and the following actions taken to deal with their anxiety over my entry. So, to those who were deeply bothered and concerned with my entry, I apologize for causing you distress. I had hoped in asking people at the beginning of the entry not to freak out and by adding some humor within the entry it would diffuse some people's angst. We have such a stigma in our culture, and in most cultures, not to talk about feelings and this is where troubles begin with feelings of depression and subsequently suicide. My aim was to break down this stigma, to be able to talk about it and to feel safe enough to do so on my own blog, but it has not turned out that way for me.

After writing that entry yesterday I felt better than I have for many, many weeks. I felt as though the dark sheet that had been draped over my face had been lifted. I felt a sense of clarity, I made goals and began to look deeper at the seven options I have came up with for my future. I finally made Chris' favorite cookies and tried yet another new dish for dinner (which failed miserably). I took a shower, washed and conditioned my hair and even put on all clean clothes; and let me tell you, that is only the second time in the five weeks I have been here that all those three things has happened on the same day!

But by the end of the day, after dealing with my email in-box exploding all day, being told I should write something different on my blog and trying to maintain the anxiety of my loved ones, the darkness came back. I get that the entry could be difficult to read. But I needed to release some of the burden I have been feeling, to be able to open up in a way that was safe to me, only to end up taking care of others. Some people are angry at me, others are worried, and some even appear indifferent. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I have my own anger right now and my own disappointment with people, which at some level is fine with me since others are feeling that right back at me.

I was up until nearly 3am this morning talking with Laura. I had to get up shortly after 7am and so I am tired; physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. During this conversation the light that I had been feeling all day, this new inner strength and direction in my life that I was piecing together left me. The light switch was turned off and the darkness returned. I know I will be making major life decisions and life changes in the next few weeks. I will need my strength to deal with all of these changes. If I stay in the US my life will be faced with many challenges and if I return to Germany I will face alternate challenges there. Wherever I am living I plan to do things differently. Part of my clarity yesterday let me see some of the mistakes I made in Germany in terms of how I was living my life. That will not happen again no matter where I end up residing.

As of right now, I am not the person I once was. I am depressed and have lost a zest for life. But I have also not totally given up. I write on my blog everyday. I talk with friends, my brother and my aunt Sugar on a daily basis. I am seeing a therapist on Monday to help me address my depression and suicidal thoughts. So, I beg you, if you are concerned about me, please come to me before going to Carsten, my mom, or anyone else. I am a complicated person and I am dealing with a challenging situation, but I am still willing to answer questions directed to me, about me. If for whatever reason you can't reach me, the person who knows me best right now is my brother Chris. I have shared everything with him and I am guessing at times he thinks I share too much. I am living with him and he knows me better right now than anyone else. I have told him things about me and my feelings that I have shared with no one. Thus, if you attempt to reach me and if after a reasonable length of time (I'll let you all be the judge of that) that you don't hear from me, than by all means call Chris.

I love you all and am humbled by the love and support I have received. My friends and family have come through in ways that I had not expected and that makes me one lucky person. Thank you all for reading and for your continued support during what I hope to be the darkest time of my life. Oh, and if I upset anyone with this entry, I apologize up front. Write me an email or make a comment on the blog and I promise I will respond to you about it as soon as possible.

My thoughts on suicide

I know that this blog entry might cause some stress and concern. But please, try to calm down and read the entry in its entirety before you freak out.

Yesterday I read an article about how the ex-husband of Matt Lucas (Actor and Co-Creator of Little Britain) was found dead by suicide. The ex-husband put a message on facebook about death and then he ended his life. This whole thing got me thinking. I mean, I feel like I know a thing or two about suicide. I had three major attempts while in high school and then sought therapy numerous times as an adult for suicidal thoughts. Then from 2005-2008 I worked on a Suicide Awareness and Prevention Grant, informing people of the dangers and signs for someone who is suicidal.

My therapist in Flagstaff was named Brad. He shared with me that he thought my suicidal thoughts we like the backdoor to my house. It is an option, but not the first option (that would be the front door.) That I see the backdoor more as a last resort but that for me I need to put furniture or other things in front of this door to make that option less viable. I loved this not only because I like metaphors, but because it really did fit for me how I saw suicide. It is always there and is always an option, but let's not rush into things here, if you know what I mean.

While working on the suicide grant I heard a lot of stories from people who have struggled with their own suicidal thoughts or dealt with the suicide of others. It is a terrible thing for the family and friends to deal with, but it is also terrible for the people who have attempted or successfully ended their life. To be in such a sad and dark place that this is the only option that feels right is no easy place to be.

Roughly 7 weeks ago I noticed my life was unraveling. I tried to talk about my feelings, only to be told by some that I was being insecure or over-reacting. Two traits that I have mastered if I can be so modest. In addition I was homesick. So it did occur to me that my thinking might not be on the top of its game. However, a couple weeks after that when things really came to a head I felt lower than I have ever felt in my life. It was like getting kicked in the balls, punched in the stomach and the rug pulled out from under me all at the same time. My heart literally hurt physically and I wanted to die. I made a plan, I had the means and the intent was set. I had the whole scene played out in my head and knew I could do it. I even had a back-up plan just in case this one didn't work. I was set and ready to be gone. To have my pain taken away from me for life.

A lot of people believe suicide is a very selfish act. I don't feel the same, but that is what is so great about life, people can have different opinions and still get along. Anyway, the reason I did not end my life while in Freiburg was simple and in my opinion selfless. I didn't know how my body would get back to the States for a funeral and for people to have the closure they might need, which would be met in seeing my body. I talked with my Dad about my feelings and he told me to think of my Grandma here in Baraboo if I was thinking about killing myself. For me, that didn't help. I mean, really. I am sad and miserable and hate my life. If I am going to live, I need to live for me and not for another person. I need to want to be alive to make my life better and not be made to feel guilty because of the sadness someone else would feel at my passing. So, that was that. Once Laura aided me in returning home, it occurred to me that once back in the States I would more easily be able to end my life. I mean, from my perspective I am back home and can be buried in the town I grew up in and be done with it. But something changed.

The depression I felt in Germany was nothing compared to what I was feeling being back in Baraboo. My energy level dropped, I became even more sad and my depression got to the point where ending my life took too much energy. So, I pleaded to whatever higher power is out there to take my life. I didn't care how, I didn't care if I suffered or was in even more pain, to just end it. Everyday now for weeks I have made the same plea but no answer ever comes.

So where does that leave me today, October 8, 2009? Well, it means I am going to talk about it. One of the worst aspects of suicide is that it is very secretive and most people feel very uncomfortable talking about such subjects. Thankfully for me I can talk about anything. So, I decided I needed to address this issue and get it out there. I have a plan and I have means but for now, I have no intent. And I am okay with that. I have made some plans for the future, which is often believed to be a good sign. Maybe, maybe not. But I am here today and today is what matters.

One month from today

My return flight to Germany is one month from today. I still have no idea what I am going to do or what the solution is to my current problems. Just when I think I am getting close to reaching a decision I am overwhelmed with doubt and fear. I have many options that I go over in my head, probably going over them too often, but nothing feels like the right decision yet. I guess on the up-side, I have 4 more weeks think about things and reach a decision.

Thanks again to everyone for their support and kind words. It has really meant a lot to me and has helped me more than any of you will likely ever know!

What will happen when all hope is gone?

One of the things that has kept me going for the past month or so is the idea of hope; hope that things will get better and that I will find a clear and direct path to happiness. However, with each passing day, which turns into weeks, this idea of hope feels further and further away from my own sense of reality. And today was a particularly hard day for me.

Once I finally managed to get out of bed, which I have noticed is becoming more and more of a challenge, I looked at what I had wanted to do today. After my dreams from the night before (see a previous post) I decided that anything I had planned would need to be put on the back burner. My friend Kris invited me to go for a walk with her during her lunch break and though the sun was finally shining here, I just couldn't muster up the energy. Well, she wasn't about to take no for an answer and so she came to me and we sat in the house talking for her entire lunch break...and then some. It really meant a lot to me that she came to the house and even though I wanted to be alone with my sadness, her visit gave me a bit of a respite.

After Kris left, my original goal was to go to the store to buy the ingredients to make Chris' favorite cookies. However, I decided that I was not going to leave the house and thus I sat in darkness for the day. For several hours I sat on the floor curled in a ball and just cried. Then I decided I should at least sit out in the sun, so I went in the back yard and cried for a couple of hours back there.

Once Chris arrived home he read the paper and then we were off to Grandma's house for dinner. After dinner we talked for a bit and then we headed off to Mom's place to check on her, since she has been ill this week, and also to pick up the recipe for the cookies and one ingredient we didn't have here at the house.

And now, I hope to get a good night's sleep without any disturbing dreams and to get up refreshed and ready to make cookies.

Dreams that make you go hmmm

I remember two of my dreams from last night and since I am a big fan of dreams, though usually not my own, I will share them with you. The first dream involved me finding myself needing a place to live. I had no belongings, only a couple suitcases, so I needed a place that was already furnished. In the dream people were fighting over where I would live and who I would live with. The person I wanted to live with didn't have room and so I ended up moving across the street. However, in this house, I had to live with a woman, her senile mother and then her daughter who looked roughly 9 years old. Also, while living in this house I was not allowed to leave alone, the owner always had to escort me wherever I wanted or needed to go. On the upside, in this dream every house was a huge Dynasty-like mansion.

In the second dream I went over to Germany to surprise Carsten. When I arrived at our place it was a total dump and he was completely intoxicated. He told me he hated me and never wanted to see me again and shared that he has kept a list of all the things I have ever done that has bothered him and then he proceeded to read them off to me. We got into a physical altercation and we both fell down a flight of stairs. When we landed Carsten said he wished I would have stayed in the US because then that could be the reason for ending things and not that he hates me.

So, let's begin another day now shall we!

One Year Ago Today

On October 7, 2008, I left Baraboo, WI and headed off to Chicago, where I hopped on a plane that took me to my new life in Germany. I was so happy, excited and a bit nervous, but I also knew I was following my heart and it was where I was suppose to be. Now one year later I am back in Baraboo trying to figure out where I went wrong, when did things fall apart and how I am suppose to put my life back together. I never expected to be in the place I currently am and I hope to never be here ever again. I had an amazing time while in Germany and part of me still sees myself living over there, but since a lot can change in a year, who knows where I will be living next year on October 7th.

Back from the birthday party

Well, I went and made it through. I was told several times how sad I looked and I can't even begin to talk about how irritating this is becoming. It is one thing for me to deal with my sadness but it is another thing to have others comment about it on such a regular basis. At any rate, the party was fun. A singer was there and I was tempted to buy his CD but since I have no real form of income I thought that might not be the best idea. The birthday boy had over 25 shots and seriously, it was becoming really disgusting to watch. Thankfully me and Chris monitored our own alcohol intake and were completely sober throughout the mess. Now, I just have to focus on being able to fall asleep, not have some sort of disturbing dream and have a good day tomorrow. And at this point, a good day would be one without tears, which has not happened in over a month at this point.

Miles Away

I just woke up from a fuzzy dream
You never would believe those things that I had seen
I looked in the mirror and I saw your face
You looked right through me, you were miles away

All my dreams they fade away
I'll never be the same
If you could see me the way you see yourself
I can't pretend to be someone else

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

When no one's around then I have you here
I begin to see the picture, it becomes so clear
You always have the biggest heart,
When we're six thousand miles apart

Too much of no sound
Uncomfortable silence can be so loud
Those three words are never enough
When it's long distance love

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we’re at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true
When I'm gone you'll realize
That I'm the best thing that happened to you

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles a-a-away...

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

By: Madonna

Off to a birthday party

I am not really in the mood for a birthday celebration, but since I have been sitting in the house all day, I decided I might as well join Chris as he goes off to celebrate a friend's birthday. Other than that, I chatted briefly on line with one of my cousin's who wants me to come visit him out in California this weekend. I would love to do it, but I just don't feel like I have it in me.

In other news, tonight for dinner I made my first pot roast with potatoes and carrots, which turned out quite yummy. I think I will make a beef and noodle soup out of the remains.

Good-bye for now; I''ll write more tomorrow.

Dark and dreary

Everyday I set goals for myself that I want to complete the following day. My hope is always that in doing so, I will find some sort of purpose in my life, which currently I don't see any. Today the goal was to meet with a friend at noon. Well, I woke up this morning after having a different kind of dream, one of the intimate nature involving Carsten. I awoke to a sense of confusion and sadness. I got out of bed and found a note from Chris that the friend had to cancel for today. At that moment I knew what I had to do...get back into bed. I spent the next several hours in and out of sleep and then eventually decided that I should face the day, or whatever was left of it. I started making dinner, which is pot roast with potatoes and carrots in the slow cooker and then spent the rest of the day thus far either on the computer responding to emails from people I have not had the energy to write to in weeks or sleeping in the chair in the living room. The weather here has been so dark and rainy and my mood is clearly following it. This wallowing in my own depression while surrounded by darkness outside is definitely taking a toll on my physical health as well as my mental health. Last week Wednesday I felt a new found strength and optimism and since then I seem to be sliding further and further back with each passing day. I know that no one can tell me what to do or what the right path for my life is, but dang that would seem to make all of this a bit easier.

Sports Bar Fever

Tonight we went to a sports bar to watch the Packers vs. the Vikings. The reason this was such a big game was because former quarterback Brett Favre for the GB Packers is now the quarter back for the Minnesota Vikings. It was a good game to watch and it was really quite exciting. I don't normally enjoy American Football and much prefer soccer and baseball, but this was a good game. In the end, the Vikings won, but it was still fun to watch.

Now I am home hoping that I can sleep tonight. A good night sleep is very much needed; though being able to turn off my brain and my feelings seems to always get in the way.

My Monday so far

After laying in bed for some time this morning thinking about my dreams, I finally forced myself up and out. I went directly to the Ab Lounger to do some sit-ups as my stomach seems to need a lot of attention. After working out for a bit I did some things on-line and then went for a 2-hour walk. I spent one hour walking with my friend Kris and then another hour walking alone. I stopped by my mom's for a bit since she was home sick from work and I wanted to check in and see if she needed any thing. After that I walked some more and then headed off to the grocery store for a few items. The rest of the day I spent in front of the computer chatting with various friends and loved ones on-line. Seriously, how did we all function before the Internet?

The plan for tonight is to head off to a local sports bar to watch the Packers play the Vikings. It is clearly the game of the season, at least here in WI. My mood is not in a place where I want to be sitting in a bar watching football, but then again, what else do I have going on?!?

I need new dreams!!!

My dreams have also been a pain in the back side, as they are often too graphic and quite disturbing. And for all of you who are thinking that I should stop watching so many horror movies and that will help, just don't even go there :) Anyway, here are two of my recent dreams. One is I am in high school and as I walk through the front door with my bike (which I rode to school) I am pulled aside and told I need to do an endurance test. After the test I walk out of the room but forget my bike. Once I realize I forgot it I go back to get it only to find that the seat and handle bars are missing and both tires are flat. I talk to the security person who tells me she did it to prevent anyone from stealing it. I thank her and then she and everyone else who is in the area starting chanting at me how I am a loser and can't get a date.

The second dream is that my friend Alica is visiting me in Germany, Carsten has just ended our relationship and Alica and I are staying at Carsten's mom's place. His mom goes into the house to make dinner and Alica and I are sitting outside in the sun. I begin to slice my finger tips and then to peel the skin off of my arms. Once that is done I proceed to light myself on fire wherever I have cut myself. By the end of the dream I am in a body bag with Alica and Carsten's mom looking at the bag in silence.

Now, if any of you are wondering how I am doing as of late, I think both of these dreams demonstrate the status of my well-being.

I made it back from Madison

Today just wasn't a good day. In addition to not feeling well mentally, my physical health is clearly taking a turn for the worse. So, once I arrived back at Chris' home I sat in front of the fireplace, which he had ready for me when I arrived, and just relaxed. We ate pizza (probably not the best considering my stomach issues) and watched a movie, Pineapple Express. Afterward I called my friend Laura to catch up on her weekend and now, I am preparing for bed and hoping for a good night sleep.

So basically, everyone bailed

The plan for tonight had been a bonfire/party at Courtney's place, however, what ended up happening was much different. Maybe people had enough of me on Friday night and thus felt no reason to see me again, but whatever the case, only one person showed up, my friend Sheri. So instead of a bonfire or party, we just relaxed on the couch, ate some yummy food and then later watched Saturday Night Live. It was a very low-key night, which after Friday night was probably for the best :)

My plan for Sunday is to get up early and meet my friend Rachel for breakfast and then at 3pm I head off to Baraboo to return to my family and friends there.

It is 3 weeks ago today that I arrived back in the States. I am still crying every day and feeling lost in life, but I also recognize that this is okay and considering the state of things right now, is also understandable. That being said, I am excited for the day when I feel happy and secure again with and in my life.

My weekend thus far

I had every intention to stay in bed for much of Friday, like I did on Thursday, but then it occurred to me that if I do something different, maybe I will feel different. What a concept. So, I spent roughly 4 hours of the day on the phone with Laura. It made the day go by fast and I think it was good for both of us to talk about things.

On Friday evening, Courtney and I had plans to go out to a bar that a friend of ours owns. When we got there, he had already left for the day, but someone we went to college with was there and let's just say he had clearly been over-served. My friend Rachel joined us out as did an ex-boyfriend and a co-worker of Courtney's. We had a good time there, but then it was time to head off to the next place. I wanted to see what the new bar Plan B in Madison was all about, as I had heard a lot of good things. Suffice to say that I had a great time being with friends, some from a long time ago and some I had just met. We danced, had some drinks and just enjoyed the atmosphere. It was definitely a place I could go back to.

So far today I have not done much of anything. Tonight the plan is to have a bonfire and some friends over. If the weather turns bad we will just have a party inside the house, but clearly the bonfire would be much more fun :)

I have been very blessed the past few weeks with friends and family gathering around me in support, love and encouragement. I am very thankful, honored and touched by every one's kind words. So, now I would like to ask that everyone who has been so kind to me, to send positive thoughts to Carsten, who is struggling right now with a few things and I know could use some support. He is a great person and I hate to know that he is hurting and having a hard time.

Stay in bed, forget the rest

That was basically my motto for much of Thursday. I wonder if I should have stayed in Baraboo a couple more days before coming down to Courtney's place. In Baraboo I can walk around to distract myself, out here I am really just more isolated than I think I need to be. As such, after my last blog entry on Thursday I proceeded to spend the rest of the day either in bed or up doing crunches on the yoga ball. At one point during the day I decided to weigh myself again and the scale here said 178 pounds, though I find that hard to believe. My friend Alica phoned me, and we talked for about an hours, the whole time I was laying in bed under the covers. Courtney's dog Buddy never left my side! Even while I lay in bed crying and while sitting on the couch in tears, he was on my lap staring at me.

Once Courtney and Hailey arrived home, we ate dinner and I helped Hailey with her homework. She did really quite well, though she also gets frustrated easily. She is a bundle of energy and some how Courtney manages to stay calm through it all. Anyway, after dinner we made homemade banana bread and then Hailey read me a story before she went off to bed.

Now it is Friday morning and I slept horrible last night. My mind was racing for much of the night. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:25am and I couldn't seem to turn off my thinking. Once I did fall asleep I dreamt I was in Baraboo, calling an attorney in Germany and speaking fluent German. Of course when I woke up I started saying some of the words from my dream, as I miss speaking German and going to my Integration Course.

My first full day in Madison, well the morning of it so far

Last night Courtney drove up to Baraboo to pick me up for my long weekend in Madison. I invited her to stay for dinner, where she, Chris and I had steak, green beans and potatoes to eat. It was a nice dinner and afterward we sat around for a couple hours in front of the fireplace catching up on things and recalling memories from years past.

Once we made it back to Courtney's place, we watched a couple episodes of The Office before retiring to bed. I slept for crap and could not get comfortable. You would think after 2.5 weeks of sleeping on a sofa sleeper I would drift away to dream land immediately once laying my head down in a real bed. But alas that was not the case.

I woke up this morning again with the overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread. I never thought I would be back in this place, especially so soon after moving to Germany, and I never in a million years thought my life would be this messed up at this stage in my life. Yesterday I felt so good for the first time in weeks and today it feels like I slid back to a darker place again. Maybe this is all normal; but if it is I want the abnormal...NOW!

I was wondering if yesterday was a better day because it was the first sunny day in over a week and now today is dark and cloudy and it will likely begin to rain any moment now. Can the weather impact my mood so greatly?

Yesterday was also the first time in weeks that I listened to music other than by Alanis and Tracy Chapman. I think that might have helped as well, since music has always been such a big part of my life. Today I chose Jody Watley to listen to and this is the song that came up...probably not the best choice:

I've been around for quite some time
Patiently waiting for you to settle down
But my patience is starting to wear very thin
From stories of your women time and time again

So don't take my love for granted
Or you might lose this good thing
I'm trying to do the best I can for you
And when you stop playing around
You'll really know it's true

That I'm the one you need Baby
I'm the one you need Baby
If you look inside your heart
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby

Cause I care for you
I live for you
I'm not out to get your money
Cause I buy my own clothes
And I play my own rent

All I want from you is love and affection
That'll keep us moving in the right direction
So don't take my love for granted
Or you might lose this good thing

I'm trying to do the best I can for you
And when you stop playing around
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby

I'm the one you need Baby
If you look inside your heart
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby
Cause I care for you
I live for you