A Productive Day...So Far

I woke up this morning feeling down in the dumps and sorry for myself. I also had several dreams last night and every one of them had to do with vaginas in one form or another; I know, how many forms can they possibly take on :) Anyway, I have no idea what to make of that, so we'll just move on.

After a bit of just laying in bed, I decided to get up and work out. I did 100 ab crunches and ran for half an hour. I felt such a relief it was amazing. I cried for about five minutes while on the treadmill, but that was because one particular song came on that brought back a flood of emotions. But after that past, I felt a new sense of strength that I have not felt in weeks, maybe even months. I proceeded to work on my CV and updating all my information. I also cleaned the house and worked on cleaning up files on my computer here.

I have not made any decisions about my future, but today I feel like I may be at the beginning stages of having some clarity about what I want and how to get it.

In other news, I will be leaving in a few hours to spend a long weekend in Madison, reconnecting with friends and trying to put some space in between my sadness and what life should actually be all about. I hope to have regular access to a computer while I am away in order to keep up-to-date with my blog, but if I don't, I will write all about it when I return on Sunday.

To end this post, here is the song that I have been listening to all day so far, which I think has helped my mood and given me my new sense of strength.

Sing ~ Wynonna

Its in the wind
Noise and steam
‘neath your skin
And in your dream
It’s who you are
It’s how you feel
A guiding star
Your driving wheel

Sing
(Let it take you
Let it make you
Never break you down)
Sing
(Let it mold you
Let it make you bold
And never hold you down)
Sing
Sing, your heart out

Its on the street
The neon glare
The hard concrete
The cold night air
Its in your voice
The way you sound
Have no choice
But come unwound

Sing
(Your songs of truth and pain
All the things you can’t explain)
Sing
(The way you feel inside
Let the music be your guide)
Sing, your heart out

Sing it like you hear it
Like you have no need to fear it now
Sing it like you know it
Like you’re not afraid to show us how
Sing from somewhere way down deep
Sing and make the angels weep
Sing and open heaven’s door
Sing ‘til you can’t sing no more

Sing
(Your songs of dark and light
Make your mark with all your might)
Sing
(Your songs of hope and fear
Sing the song that sent you hear)
Sing, your heart out
Sing
Sing
Sing, your heart out
Sing
Sing, your heart out

Another job down the drain

I had heard recently about a job in Phoenix that would be perfect for me; however, I found out today that it is in fact not going to be available to me. Such is life I guess. I did have a pretty good day though; I spent a couple hours with my friend Kris which was fun and at home I did some cleaning and then made lasagna and garlic bread for dinner. During the night we just sat in front of the fire place and watched some Scooby Doo. How did I do that you wonder, since we don't have cable or an antenna? Well, Chris had bought me some Scooby Doo DVDs for Christmas last year and decided to give them to me last Sunday. So now we have three seasons worth of What's New Scooby Doo to watch!! And as if things could get any better than Scooby Doo, Madonna released her most recent double disk greatest hits today, along with a DVD video compilation. So, I treated myself and bought them all. Financially maybe not the best plan, but I need to do something to get me out of this depressed mood.

I can't catch a break!

Well, it appears that not only does my partner possibly not want me, but neither does any job I show interest in. It feels quite clear to me at this point that neither job in Chicago that I applied for will be hiring me and I heard from the job in Switzerland today that they are unable to hire me as well. I have also been in contact with someone else in Germany for the past three months trying to find work, but she just emailed me and said she has nothing for me as well. And lastly, every other job I applied for in Germany has already rejected me, so at this point in time I have no job prospects on the horizon. Maybe this is good, since I don't know where I will be living in the next couple of months. I know where I want to be, but maybe the plan is for me to be living in Baraboo, working at Kwik Trip and being alone. Speaking of that, in the late 90's I went to have my Tarot Cards read and then the following night I had my palm read some place else by another person. I don't hold much stock in all this, but they both told me the same thing, which was, I have a short love life and that I shouldn't expect to have a significant love in my life but rather be surrounded by family friends. That I should expect to be alone and that I have a long life line to enjoy that alone time.

Monday, Monday

Today was a typical autumn day for Wisconsin, windy with grey skies and cool temperatures. It was a perfect day to be lazy, so what did I do? I rearranged Chris' furniture, cleaned the house and did his laundry. At 2pm I met with my Dad and we headed off to Culver's for frozen custard, which really hit the spot since I hadn't eaten anything yet. For dinner we had pork chops on the grill, cauliflower and baked potatoes, which we ate while sitting in front of the fire place. During the night, we headed off to a local pub where we chatted with some friends and I watched the Dallas Cowboys football game, where they won against the North Carolina Panthers. I don't know much about football, but it seemed like a pretty interesting game. But the best part of the day was getting an email from my teacher back on Germany. It really warmed my heart and at the same time made me miss being in Germany even more.

Sunday night and into Monday

For much of Sunday afternoon and then for the entire evening, Chris and I sat in front of his fireplace. I can't believe how much I have been around fire in the last two weeks or so. I find it comforting for some reason and am most calm while staring at the flames. Anyway, we sat in front of the fire, me with a bottle of red wine and Chris drinking Pepsi. He decided that if I could have a dry day on Saturday, he would have one on Sunday. I spent some time tonight looking at pictures of the last 7.5 years of my life with Carsten, remembering all the fun times, all the trips and all my different hair styles. It was probably a mistake to look at them, as they made me even more sad, but I miss him so much and even seeing a picture of him reminds me why I am still wanting to make things work. Around 11:30pm, Chris went to bed and I decided to call my friend Laura, as it has been too long since I was in contact with her. We were on the phone for a little over 2.5 hours and as always, she was a great source of support and comfort. Around 3am I finally went to bed and it didn't take long to fall asleep. On a side note, the song that has been in my head for three days now is 2 out of 3 Ain't Bad, by Meatloaf. God I hate that song!! So, this morning I finally got myself out of bed after having a great dream; seriously, I mean anyone who knows me well knows my dreams are usually not that pleasant, but last night I dreamed that Carsten and I lived together, in a warm climate, with our two cats. We were so happy in the dream and full of life and love. When I woke up I thought for a moment that the dream was real life and all this other stuff was just a bad dream. What a shock to my system when it all came back to me what is going on in my life at the moment.

My Weekend: The Cliff Note Version

Friday night was one of the most fun I have had in several weeks and by far the best time since I have been in Baraboo. What made it so great was that while we were out at a local pub two of my cousins, Lori and Lindsey, joined us out. It was great to see them and to spend time with them, but what made it really special was hearing Chris and Lindsey performing karaoke to the song "Like A Virgin." I laughed so hard my stomach hurt!

Saturday was a low-key day for me. I had a hard time getting out of bed and didn't have much ambition to do much once I was up. We did have a yummy brunch of cinnamon French toast and fresh pork bacon. Chris went out to mow the lawn and pick up leaves while I swept out the garage. And after two weeks of being here I finally had a phone conversation with Carsten. It was not the feel-good call I wanted, but it was great to hear his voice. After the phone call I felt sad, empty and totally depleted of any emotion. I began to wonder how you can love someone so much and at the same time feel such distance from them. In the evening Chris and I had a bonfire and just sat outside watching the fire, telling stories of our lives and each trying to figure our lives out.

Sunday was an earlier day than Saturday. We had a tasty breakfast and then got ready to go to the mall shopping. Neither one of us has any extra money, but we both still managed to make purchases. Chris bought himself a new pair of tennis shoes, which look great on him. I bought myself a great green raincoat, so that when/if I return to Germany I will have something to wear while I ride my bike in the wet weather. My other purchase was a new pair of jeans. I don't wear jeans often and only own a couple pairs. However, I have been losing weight and the one pair I packed for this trip back to the US doesn't fit me as well. When I left for Germany last October I weighed the most I have ever in my life, 207 pounds. However, now I am 184 pounds and down from a size 35/36 to a 32/33. So, my new jeans are the skinny brand of jeans and I felt great when I tried them on. Plus, my back side looks fan-friggin-tastic!! To make the deal even sweeter, they were 50% off!!! Once back home, Carsten phoned again, and again although I love hearing his voice, what is actually said hurts my heart and makes me feel sick to my stomach.

And now, I am sitting in front of the fire place, with the cold, rainy weather outside just trying to make it through another day.

Doom and Gloom has set in

It has been a couple of days since I last wrote and for good reason, I just didn't have the energy to put forth the effort. If I thought I was depressed before, this week has kicked my butt and let me know that I haven't seen anything yet. The weather has also turned sour here this week, which I believe has only heightened my negative state.

On Wednesday a friend came to the door to visit me, but I couldn't even manage to answer the door. I don't know if she knows I was sitting right there, and if she does I hope she doesn't take it personally. I was in no place for visitors and instead of saying so I took the lazy way out and just didn't move. For the rest of Wednesday I made homemade Chicken and Dumpling Soup. It was my first time and I didn't even use a recipe. I am a caretaker at heart and even if I am feeling bad, I am still here to help take care of Chris. As a side note, I had no idea how long it took to make this...dang, it is basically an entire day project. In addition to making the soup, I finished one book and then immediately began another. I don;t have TV or phone here and every song I hear makes me cry, so I decided to bury myself in books. On Wednesday night Chris and I managed to have a bonfire in between the rain. Since being here I have found fire and bonfires to be relaxing and meditative. Now, if only the rain would stop so we could have more of them!

For Thursday I had big plans for getting up early, getting ready and heading for the local coffee shop, just to get me out of the house. However, upon waking, my mood was the same as the previous day, maybe even a bit lower. Someone again came to the door and I just let it go. The social butterfly I one was appears to be hibernating. A bit later the door bell rang again and it was the same friends. I decided that I should at least acknowledge them since the made the effort to stop by not one, but twice in one day. We ended up talking for over 3 hours, which all though it was nice to see them and catch up, I just couldn't shake the heaviness of my body and wanting to be alone with my gloom.

Once these friends left I needed to get ready as I was having dinner with my friend Kris at her place. It was a fun night and the food was great, though I think we might have had too much Gin and wine, assuming that is even possible.

And here I am at Friday. I have been here for about two weeks and feel no better, maybe even worse, than when I arrived. As much as I have enjoyed seeing family and friends and occasionally meeting new people, I can't help but think of how much better this would be if I wasn't burdened with so much pain and sadness. Chris tells me people understand and I shouldn't worry about it. Maybe he is right, but in the end all that is easier said than done.

Not the person I once was

Over the past couple of weeks I have begun to take stock of who I am as a person. I have noticed that I am not the person I once was. I often saw myself as happy, fun to be with and to use my humor as much as possible. I liked life for the most part and though some saw me as being pessimistic at times, I believe it was my defense mechanism to prepare for the rough times in life. As of late, I now see myself as an empty shell of who I once was. I feel like a failure, a loser and pathetic. My happiness now is forced and not genuine. I don't like this new me and at the same time I have no desire to change. My zest for life has left me, at least for the time being. Some say time heals all wounds. Maybe this is true, but the wound I feel currently is so consuming of me I can't even begin to imagine how much time it would take to heal. My spirit is broken, my faith in people is tainted and all my tears never seem to bring me any sense of relief from the pain that consumes my body.

Yesterday

I meant to write about my day yesterday last night, but just couldn't muster up the energy. So, here is a recap of the day.

It was a colder, rainy day and felt very much like fall was settling in. I had plans to walk with my friend Kris during her lunch break but due to the weather, we decided to do some shopping instead. We made a quick run out to the Super Walmart and then stopped by Farm and Fleet. While in there I heard a song that brought back happier memories of Carsten and really seemed to impact my mood. I tried to hide it, but for the rest of the day I just felt a little sadder. After Farm and Fleet we went to a local store here in Baraboo that sells kitchen and cooking stuff. I love the store, but I also find it a bit pricey, especially for this town.

After my time with Kris I met my Aunt Sugar for lunch. We went to where we always go and I got my favorite thing on the menu there, Buffalo Chicken Salad. I wasn't able to eat all of it, but I did pretty well.

After lunch I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner on Wednesday, as I am trying out something new for dinner.

Once Chris arrived home from work we were off to our grandma's for dinner at her place. She made BBQ ribs, au gratin potatoes, corn and salad and then for dessert some really yummy chocolate pie thingy.

Chris was exhausted due to the late night on Monday and thus he fell asleep wherever he was, the chair, the couch and then back home he was out on the couch for a few hours before making his way into bed. As for me, I was on the phone talking to my gal pal Laura and also with Courtney for a bit.

At the end of the night I read for a while about one man's struggle with kidney disease. Although I don't have a disease, my broken heart at times feels like one and some of the things he wrote about, in terms of giving up and feeling alone and isolated, really hit home. I finished half the book and plan to finish the rest today.

A request, without the dedication :)

I want to again thank everyone for their support during this time of my life; the amount of support has been fantastic. That being said, I am asking you to not ask how I am doing, how I am feeling or what my plans are. I am feeling sad, hurt and scared for my future. I am not doing all that well and I have no idea what my future holds at this time. I ask you not to share your opinions unless specifically asked and to keep your analysis of my situation until deemed appropriate. I know everyone means well, but it is all becoming a bit too overwhelming for me to take in at this time. I love you all dearly, but until I figure some things out, I have no answers to your questions. I thank you in advance for your understanding during this time. Much love!!!

A night by the bonfire

Well, I cleaned as planned for today. Actually, due to my high level of anxiety today I cleaned the inside of the house as well as raked some of the lawn and swept the two driveways. Clearly I had a lot of energy :) Later in the night Chris and I had a bonfire and our mom joined as well for bit. Even later in the night a female friend of ours named Allyson joined as well. It was a fun night, but late night. While Chris and I were alone we again talked about our life and what we want from it.
He didn't always say what I wanted to hear, but maybe what I needed to hear! He has a lot of insight and and though our lives are quite different, some things are just universal.

Changing plans for today

My goal for today was to get up early, go running and do some sit-ups and then get ready to have lunch with a therapist friend of mine to talk through my current situation and to help me find some clarity and to possibly find a solution to my infinite sadness. However, after another night of horrible sleep filled with even worse dreams about being rejected, abandoned and murdered, I found it hard to actually get out of bed today. Thus, I didn't go running, but I did do my sit-ups. As for lunch with my friend, it needs to be rescheduled due to illness on her end. Although I was bummed at first, another friend stepped up to the plate and invited me to go walking this afternoon. Now I don't have to worry about not running because I will be walking for close to two hours when all is said and done. Once I get back from the walk I should finally do some laundry and quite possibly clean up the house. I mean, it has been three days since I cleaned here.

The weekend comes to a close

After brunch today, Chris and I laid low for a while. With stuff to do but no real motivation we found comfort in the living room, as well as sitting in the sun in the backyard talking about life and the road to happiness. Later in the afternoon I went over to my friend Michelle's place. I have not seen her since last year before I left, so it was great to catch up on things. The funniest thing about the visit was I drove over to her house using Chris' huge truck. It is my first time driving in nearly one year and so I was a bit scared, especially since his truck is gigantic. But I had no troubles at all and made it back safe and sound.

For dinner Chris and I made chicken on the grill and had corn and stuffing. I am noticing that I am eating way more for dinner here than I ever did in Germany, except for the times when Carsten and I were visiting his mom, then I ate everything in sight.

After dinner I started to feel pretty sad again. Chris had started a fire in the fireplace and we just sat there, enjoying the warmth and talking more about our lives and how we have ended up in our current situations. We are both in pain and although I want to be back in Germany, part of me is glad to be here with my little brother right now too.

My weekend so far...

On Friday afternoon I went to see my friend Kris again and we went to Walmart. My first time there since being back in the States. They have a new look, but still the same ol' store. On Friday night Chris and I went out with some friends to a bar in Baraboo I had never been to before. I had been warned, I mean told, about this place ahead of time, and it wasn't half as bad as I expected. We had a good time, I met some new people and was able to reconnect with some old friends. I was told through out the night that I looked sad, so although I am trying to put on a happy face, clearly I need to work on it some.

On Saturday Chris and I decided to have a bit of a lazy day. We dumped off the compost and then went to Walmart to buy some toiletries. We watched a DVD in the afternoon and just hung out outside for the rest of the day. For dinner we went out with my mom and her husband to the new Mexican restaurant in Baraboo. It was way, way better than I expected. I mean everything was delicious!!! I did not have a margarita, yet, as I knew I was going out tonight and didn't want to mix my alcohol. After dinner, Chris and I met out with a bunch of our (his) friends for a birthday celebration. It was a long but fun night. I got to meet more new people and again catch up with some I haven't seen or talked to since before I moved to Germany. I was again told that I looked sad, especially in my eyes.

Today is Sunday and Chris and I will make brunch at the house and then see what the day brings. I might be ale to meet up with a friend of mine today to catch up on thing, as well as possibly going out again tonight with some friends of Chris'.

Missing

I have been back on the States for about one week and although it is great being back with my family and friends, meeting new people and hanging out with the old group, I am really missing Carsten and my life back in Germany. Besides Carsten, I miss my girls Zoe and Lela as well as my comfy bed!!! Here I am sleeping on a sleeper sofa and though it is better than the floor, it isn't nearly as good as my new bed back on Freiburg. I have received emails from a couple of people from my class in Freiburg and am even missing the class as well.

Glad it's Friday

Yesterday was not a very good day. Though I did go shopping (I didn't buy anything) with my friend Aimee, the rest of the day I was basically curled in a ball on the floor in tears. From an outsider looking in I am sure it looked pretty pathetic, but that's where I was at that moment.

In the evening I went for a walk with my mom and then later back at Chris' place we lit a fire in the fireplace. It didn't take long after that for both of us to feel quite drowsy. Thus, last night was the earliest I have been to bed since I arrived in Baraboo.

I don't have too much on the agenda for today, but my goal is to stay off the floor as much as possible. I believe Carsten might be at his mom's place this weekend, so it looks like we are both turning to our family for support right now.

The Promise

If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

By Tracy Chapman

Another day and more sit-ups

While staying at Chris', I have access to an Ab Lounger and a Treadmill. Needless to say, both are being used regularly. I really miss my jogging route in Freiburg, but for the time being, the Treadmill will work out just fine.

I met a friend of mine today during her lunch hour. This friend, Kris, sought me out on facebook and a few months ago was able to locate me. We had not seen one another since our high school graduation, so it was a real treat to catch up after so many years; or at least begin to catch up. I am looking forward to seeing her again soon, not only because she is a great person, but because she has really helped me to think through my current situation.

After meeting up with Kris, I stopped by my aunt's work and talked to her for a bit. I am noticing that I really don't like being alone right now and since everyone has a job (which is great in this economy) it leaves me with too much down time. Anyway, once I arrived back home I did Chris' laundry and cleaned the house some before beginning to prepare dinner. Today in many ways was a lot like my life in Freiburg, minus the seeing a friend and my aunt.

Tonight we helped a friend pick up a riding lawnmower and then when we returned home we had a bonfire and enjoyed the quiet, yet chilly, evening. To my surprise, okay not really, I finished an entire bottle of wine while sitting there. My brain is struggling at shutting off and sleep is not coming easy for me, especially right now, but the wine tonight will hopefully help with that.

Day with Dad and dinner with Grandma

This morning I woke up early again and decided to do some more exercising. I decided that when I go back to Germany I want to look even better than when I left. I know, I know, how could I possibly get any better looking, is what your thinking.

Anyway, my dad arrived at noon and we took a trip to Madison to eat at Red Lobster. It has been years since I have eaten there and the biscuits are still as good as I remember. After lunch we took the long way home, which included a ferry ride. I have not been on this ferry I think since I was a kid, so it was a nice treat.

For dinner my brother, Chris, and I ate at my grandma's place. She was so excited to cook us dinner and boy was it tasty. The best part was the apple goody she made for dessert :)

Later in the evening Chris and I went to a local pub to meet up with some of his friends and so I could watch the Cubs baseball game. Again they won against the Brewers!!!!

I am missing Carsten and being in Germany tremendously, but am also enjoying the opportunity to catchup with people back here in the States.

A day with Mom

Today I spent a majority of the day with my mom. I woke up early, as I couldn't sleep with so much on my mind. I went running and did 75 sit-ups. Then got ready for the day and walked over to my mom's place. We decided to take a little drive up to Mauston, WI and then once back in town we went to some shops and then went to see a friend of mine and her new house. It is weird how everything can be turned around and I am able to apply it to my thoughts and situation. I am not happy about this as it makes me feel even sadder, but I guess it is what it is. Later that night I went to a farm with my brother to hang out for a bit. Since it is Wisconsin I guess it was inevitable that I would end up on a farm at some point during this trip. After eating dinner at a pizza place Chris, my brother, and I went out to a local pub to hang with some friends for a bit and watch the football and baseball games on TV. Cubs beat the Brewers!!!! And now we are home and I am getting ready for bed. Tomorrow I am spending the day with my dad and then having dinner at my grandma's place. One would think with all the people I am seeing and running around I am doing I wouldn't have time to think about things, and yet the pain and sadness seems to always be right there with me at every moment.

32 Hour Marathon

I was up for 32 hours yesterday...and for a it of today. It was a long day and one that was filled with many emotions. My flight out of Frankfurt was great. It was smooth and I was able to watch four movies. I cried for most of the flight, but I think that is understandable considering the situation. I had a brief layover in Detroit and then off to Madison. All went as really well.

Later that night my brother had thrown together a get-together and bonfire at his place to welcome me home. Some family and friends were in attendance and it was nice to see everyone. I know I am fortunate for all of them, especially during this difficult time in my life.

Even though I was tired I didn't same able to sleep and thus stayed up with the bonfire quite late and even after everyone else left I stayed up longer to try and think about where my life is at currently and where it is going. In the end I was up for 32 hours straight before going to sleep. And once I did go to bed I was out for a solid 8 hours. I heard nothing and don't think I even moved much either.

But now it is Sunday I am off to visit with my grandma and to go grocery shopping for some food.

At That Particular Time

This is the song that at this moment feels to capture my life quite well...


my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not to run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself. i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time

By Alanis Morrisette

A change in plans

Due to some personal problems, I am temporarily leaving Germany and returning to the States. I plan to continue writing the blog and though the title is William in Germany, for the time being it will not be about my life here in Germany, but rather my life in general and the adventures that come along my way. I am thankful to everyone for their support during this transition. I love you all very much. And a special thank you to Carsten. I love him more than words could express and I am so thankful for the opportunity to experience life with him in another country!!

My goal for yesterday failed

Yesterday will likely go down as my worst day here in Germany. I have a lot going on right now and due to some personal issues I will be taking some time off from the blog. My hope is to be back up and writing on here again within a week or so. Thanks again for all your support during this time.

I have faith...

that today will be a better day. Though I did wake up this morning after having a dream that I was starring in adult films with David Hassellhoff and we were the hottest thing in the business. And what song was in my head when I awoke; Not As We by Alanis Morrisette. However, even with both those things, my goal is to shed no tears today and to not bite off any one's head. Wish me luck :)

Let's see how today goes

I have a feeling yesterday will be remembered (though I wish I wouldn't) as a day that I would rather not have experienced. It started off with me being in class and snapping at a fellow classmate. Now, I know it is hard for you to believe that I could do something like this, but yes it does happen from time to time. To make matters worse, the teacher reprimanded me in front of the class stating I should be nicer and I need to make sure people understand what I am saying. From my perspective, my face said everything and my mouth was just extra!!!

Much of the remainder of my day was spent purging feelings. I basically cried for 8 hours straight. Since I was having so much fun with it, I decided why not add some music to help get it all out even quicker. Enter Alanis and Tracy Chapman. The thing is, I cried a whole heck more but never felt any sort of release.

I woke up this morning and proceeded to release some more feelings and then immediately after my class it all started over again. Tonight Carsten and I are to meet up with a friend, but let's face it, if my eyes are red and swollen from crying I am not going out of the house.

My assumption is that you are wondering where all this emotion is coming from. Well, it appears that my time in Germany will likely be coming to an end soon and I am feeling really torn and upset by this. Since I tend to over-think things (one of my very few faults) I have avalanched (I don't think this is a real word but I'm using it anyway) into what my life would be back in the States and am picturing myself working at Wal-Mart back in my hometown. I guess it could be worse, which is probably where my mind will go today!

With that, I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has read my blog and provided me support and encouragement during this journey. Whether this experience has in fact come to an end has yet to be seen, but no matter what I want to thank you for sharing it with me.

No 'real' entry today

I am taking a personal day away from the blog today; instead I am listening to Alanis Morissette and purging some of my built feelings.

Have a great Labor Day for all you in the US!!!

Wish tomorrow was a holiday here!

Today was a bit of a rough day. I had a couple glasses of wine on Saturday night while on the phone with my brother, and I think this may have been a bad idea since we were going to a beer garden later in the night. At any rate, we had a fun time, but clearly beer and wine don't mix. After the beer garden last night the three of us, (me, Carsten and Björn) went to a bar/dance club. I'm not sure exactly when we got home, but today we were both tired throughout the day.

In the mail on Saturday I received a gift box from my aunt and one of the contents was popcorn. So, guess what I ate tonight during the Sunday night crime series? You guessed it, a big bowl of popcorn. Oh my was it good!!! Another item in the box was peanut butter, which I had for breakfast on an English Muffin. I think I need to space this stuff out so it last longer because at the rate I am going it won't even last one week :)

It really feels like fall

The weather here has turned quite cold, cloudy and rainy. It feels like autumn with winter close on its heels. I don't mind too much, though I must admit I am not looking forward to riding my bike in such cold, snowy weather. The winters here are much better than back in the Midwest, but that isn't saying much since winter there can be quite horrendous.

So today began with me making a quick trip to the bakery to buy some fresh rolls for breakfast. After eating we went to the grocery store to buy some veggies and other stables for the week. This afternoon Carsten went to meet a friend for coffee and I finished the book I was reading. It was a murder mystery called Firewall by Henning Mankell. He is a brilliant author and his books are quite top-notch.

Tonight Carsten and I are to meet a friend of Carsten's from his days at the University. Though it is quite chilly out, we are meeting at a beer garden; I mean, isn't that what is done here in Germany?!?

Another week is over

I am glad to see this week end. I see the weekend as being a time to regroup, to rest one's brain and the accumulate energy for the week ahead. I am still amazed at how much one's brain works. It feels to me as though my rarely rests; maybe if I didn't have such vivid dreams and could sleep through the night my mind would be better rested, but that is not the case.

I had hoped to hear something from the two jobs I interviewed for this week, but that didn't happen. I know both places could work for me, they would just entail making some major changes. But I guess that is what life is all about. I mean, if two years ago someone said I would be living in Germany, I would have thought they were crazy, but here I am.

I think most people who know me are aware of my belief that things happen for a reason an that it is up to us to figure out what the reason is. Right now I don't know what is going to happen, where I will end up and how things will look. Hopefully within the next week or so at least some things will begin falling into place. In the meantime, I have my German Integration class to occupy my time and in just two months I have a major exam I need to take, and of course pass!

Happy Birthday Aunt Sugar!

Today my aunt turns, well, let's just say it's her birthday :) As you can see from the heading I call her Aunt Sugar. According to the story told to me, as a young(er) person I was not able to say her name correctly and would call her Aunt Sugar instead of Aunt Cheryl. The name stuck and she still gets called it, at least by me. It seems pretty fitting as well as she is one of the sweetest people you could ever meet and is so full of life, love and joy. She is a real pleasure to be around and I am very thankful to know she has my back!!

By the way, this picture is from Christmas 2005 and as you can see from the photo, she wants more gifts. You know I like that in a person, gimme, gimme more, gimme more, gimme, gimme more.

The good news keeps coming (that's sarcasm)

With the teaching job possibly out of the picture, I looked at the flight to the US that I was hoping to take in December. If I get the job of teaching English to the children in Basel, then that trip can't happen, so with it on hold I looked at the flight and now it is no longer available. Other flights do exist, but they cost roughly 100 Euros ($144) more than the flight I originally looked in to. Time to do some deep breathing and remind myself that everything happens for a reason. And right now that reason must be to work my last nerve :)

And like that things change

Well, I just received an email from the job in Basel that they are doing some checking to ensure that I have the necessary qualifications to do the job. So much for having a doctorate degree :) Now, at this time the three-day trial work that was scheduled for next week is on hold and I should hopefully hear something by next Monday. From my perspective, this should have been dealt with before offering me the 3-day trial run, but what do I know?!?

Oh, and of the other jobs I have applied for here, most have returned my vitae thanking me for applying but stating they are not interested in me. Such a boost for one's self-esteem :) However, because I tend to be a bit narcissistic and am able to complement myself like you wouldn't believe, I will say this about me; I am one persistent, young, attractive, highly intelligent and modest human being!

Thinking on the job situation

I decided that after my class today, which went by really fast, that I would do some studying (working ahead in my workbook) and also writing out some thoughts on the two jobs. Though neither job has made an offer, I want to have my thoughts in order in case that time comes. The job in Basel doesn't begin until the beginning of November; however, the job in Chicago could start as early as the end of this month. So, many thoughts are going through my brain right now. Both sides have pros and cons and according to Carsten I need to make my decision based on my mind not my heart. In other words, the German way :) Now, anyone who knows me has got to realize that me making a decision without involving my heart is like me saying no to a Gin and Tonic. Basically it isn't going to happen!!! Where is Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network right now to tell me what my future holds???

Another job interview

Today was a good day. I had my class this morning and although I had one month off, I have not forgotten as much as I had expected. I am not saying I remember everything, but I seem to remember enough :)

My afternoon was filled with homework and some cleaning and then late afternoon/early evening my time I had a phone interview for a job in Chicago. The interview lasted 1.5 hours and went really well. I really enjoy interviewing and I had a good time during this one. Now it is a waiting game to see what happens. It looks like I have a lot of things to think about and try to make sense of my situation. Any feedback or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

In other news, all is going well and I am looking forward to seeing what this next phase in my life is going to look like.

My return to school

It is hard to believe that my one month of vacation is already over. For the most part, it was a fun month off, with only a couple of blips in things. But now it is back to the books and having some structure in my life, or at least in the mornings.

In other news, the job I interviewed for yesterday has already sent me an email asking me to come for three days next week on a trial basis to see how the kids like me. I am not sure how that will work with my own schooling, as well as wanting to get paid for my time, but hopefully I can get answers to those things in the next couple of days.