My blog entry from yesterday did not turn out as I had expected it to. This is not necessarily a bad thing, I was just so shocked at how upset some people became and the following actions taken to deal with their anxiety over my entry. So, to those who were deeply bothered and concerned with my entry, I apologize for causing you distress. I had hoped in asking people at the beginning of the entry not to freak out and by adding some humor within the entry it would diffuse some people's angst. We have such a stigma in our culture, and in most cultures, not to talk about feelings and this is where troubles begin with feelings of depression and subsequently suicide. My aim was to break down this stigma, to be able to talk about it and to feel safe enough to do so on my own blog, but it has not turned out that way for me.
After writing that entry yesterday I felt better than I have for many, many weeks. I felt as though the dark sheet that had been draped over my face had been lifted. I felt a sense of clarity, I made goals and began to look deeper at the seven options I have came up with for my future. I finally made Chris' favorite cookies and tried yet another new dish for dinner (which failed miserably). I took a shower, washed and conditioned my hair and even put on all clean clothes; and let me tell you, that is only the second time in the five weeks I have been here that all those three things has happened on the same day!
But by the end of the day, after dealing with my email in-box exploding all day, being told I should write something different on my blog and trying to maintain the anxiety of my loved ones, the darkness came back. I get that the entry could be difficult to read. But I needed to release some of the burden I have been feeling, to be able to open up in a way that was safe to me, only to end up taking care of others. Some people are angry at me, others are worried, and some even appear indifferent. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I have my own anger right now and my own disappointment with people, which at some level is fine with me since others are feeling that right back at me.
I was up until nearly 3am this morning talking with Laura. I had to get up shortly after 7am and so I am tired; physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. During this conversation the light that I had been feeling all day, this new inner strength and direction in my life that I was piecing together left me. The light switch was turned off and the darkness returned. I know I will be making major life decisions and life changes in the next few weeks. I will need my strength to deal with all of these changes. If I stay in the US my life will be faced with many challenges and if I return to Germany I will face alternate challenges there. Wherever I am living I plan to do things differently. Part of my clarity yesterday let me see some of the mistakes I made in Germany in terms of how I was living my life. That will not happen again no matter where I end up residing.
As of right now, I am not the person I once was. I am depressed and have lost a zest for life. But I have also not totally given up. I write on my blog everyday. I talk with friends, my brother and my aunt Sugar on a daily basis. I am seeing a therapist on Monday to help me address my depression and suicidal thoughts. So, I beg you, if you are concerned about me, please come to me before going to Carsten, my mom, or anyone else. I am a complicated person and I am dealing with a challenging situation, but I am still willing to answer questions directed to me, about me. If for whatever reason you can't reach me, the person who knows me best right now is my brother Chris. I have shared everything with him and I am guessing at times he thinks I share too much. I am living with him and he knows me better right now than anyone else. I have told him things about me and my feelings that I have shared with no one. Thus, if you attempt to reach me and if after a reasonable length of time (I'll let you all be the judge of that) that you don't hear from me, than by all means call Chris.
I love you all and am humbled by the love and support I have received. My friends and family have come through in ways that I had not expected and that makes me one lucky person. Thank you all for reading and for your continued support during what I hope to be the darkest time of my life. Oh, and if I upset anyone with this entry, I apologize up front. Write me an email or make a comment on the blog and I promise I will respond to you about it as soon as possible.
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