Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The End Of An Era
This is my last entry on this blog. It is entry 475 and though I had hoped to make it to 500 before I stopped, that didn't happen. However, don't you fret none, as I have started a new blog and my hope is to keep it going for many years to come. So, while I thank you for taking the time to read this blog and follow along with my adventures while living in Germany, I now have a new blog that I hope you will read as well as it will not only keep people up to date on my comings and goings, but on my thoughts and general outlook on life.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Happy Birthday Kris
Today is the birthday of my friend Kris. She and I went to school together many, many years ago in Baraboo. After nearly 20 years of not seeing or talking with one another she located me on facebook. Since then, we have emailed often and upon my arrival in Baraboo we have seen each other on a regular basis. It has been great getting to know you all over again and I wish you the happiest of birthdays and a most amazing year.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Happy Anniversary
Today is a special day for me. It is the one year anniversary of my civil union ceremony with Carsten. So Carsten, if you are reading this, Happy Anniversary. One year ago today you made the happiest person and though we are apart this year on our special day, I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Thank you for an amazing year in Germany and for making me your partner.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I think I'm at a loss for words
One of my favorite lines from Golden Girls is when something bad happens to Blanche and she says "I am stunned. Just stunned. There is no other word for how I am feeling but...stunned." In a way I feel much the same way. I am stunned at where my life is at currently, at the decisions I need to be making and how scary my future feels to me. I am stunned at the amount of support I have received and stunned at how certain people seem to avoid dealing with emotions all together. I am stunned that things I write about on my blog, especially me and my life, can be so hurtful and have such a profound impact on the lives of others.
I have decided to take some time away from my blog. It has become such an important part of who I am, but at the same time seems to be hurting people I love and possibly pushing others away. I don't know how long I will be gone, possibly a day, maybe a week. I know I will be back writing on here, or possibly on a new blog. But for now I need to figure out what direction I need to be taking in terms of finding happiness in my life.
As always, I thank you for your support and for taking time out of your lives to read about me. Feel free to email me with any thoughts, questions or comments and I will respond at quickly as possible.
I have decided to take some time away from my blog. It has become such an important part of who I am, but at the same time seems to be hurting people I love and possibly pushing others away. I don't know how long I will be gone, possibly a day, maybe a week. I know I will be back writing on here, or possibly on a new blog. But for now I need to figure out what direction I need to be taking in terms of finding happiness in my life.
As always, I thank you for your support and for taking time out of your lives to read about me. Feel free to email me with any thoughts, questions or comments and I will respond at quickly as possible.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
My weekend
I realize I am behind the time with this since it is late Sunday night, but here is the summary of my weekend. I spent much of Saturday with my mom. We haven't spent a lot of time together in the five weeks I have been here, so it was nice to spend the day with her. We went to the Fair on the Square, which is a downtown Baraboo thing. We had a good time and I found the rocking chair I have been looking for for about 10 years or so. I also saw some friends of mine and chatted for a bit. Afterward we went shopping at some stores and then went for lunch together with Chris. Later in the day we went to a baby shower, which we stayed at for 6 hours. It was my longest shower and one of the most fun. Afterward at home, Chris and I stayed up until 2:30 am watching a movie.
On Sunday, we got up early, had a nice breakfast an then started our day. We went grocery shopping and then went to buy lawn care and household items. Back at home, we did some lawn care and then I spoke with Carsten. As usual, it wasn't the feel good conversation I would hope for, but it was nice to hear his voice and to hear where he is at with things in regards to our relationship, or what is left of it. In the evening, we invited mom and Dick over for dinner and then had a bonfire.
I can't say it was a good weekend, but it was filled with a lot to do. I still miss my life back in Germany, but it is looking like I will be in the States longer than expected. I guess only time will tell where I will end up.
On Sunday, we got up early, had a nice breakfast an then started our day. We went grocery shopping and then went to buy lawn care and household items. Back at home, we did some lawn care and then I spoke with Carsten. As usual, it wasn't the feel good conversation I would hope for, but it was nice to hear his voice and to hear where he is at with things in regards to our relationship, or what is left of it. In the evening, we invited mom and Dick over for dinner and then had a bonfire.
I can't say it was a good weekend, but it was filled with a lot to do. I still miss my life back in Germany, but it is looking like I will be in the States longer than expected. I guess only time will tell where I will end up.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
We have snow flurries
Although the weather report said snow flurries were likely to fall on Sunday, they just couldn't wait to drop. So, this morning we have flurries outside, with cold winds and gray skies. Just a typical autumn day in Baraboo!
My plan for today is to go to the Fair on the Square with my mom to see what the vendors have for sale this year. Later in the afternoon I am going to a baby shower and then possibly out for ladies night (don't ask) later in the night.
I will write an entry later in the day updating how the day went and all the exciting events that crossed my path here in the bombing metropolis of Baraboo.
My plan for today is to go to the Fair on the Square with my mom to see what the vendors have for sale this year. Later in the afternoon I am going to a baby shower and then possibly out for ladies night (don't ask) later in the night.
I will write an entry later in the day updating how the day went and all the exciting events that crossed my path here in the bombing metropolis of Baraboo.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Homecoming
After my last blog entry, I proceeded to get sick twice. I don't know if it is the emotional turmoil, my physical health or what, but my body is really trying to tell me something of late. But, I couldn't let getting sick interfere with my plans for today, which was to celebrate homecoming with a high school friend of mine. So, here is a breakdown of the day:
I got ready and headed off to my friend Kris' work place to drop off a container of hers, after which I stopped by my Aunt Sugar's work to chat with her for a bit. I met up at 11am with my friend Sue, who I was spending the day with. We grabbed a bite to eat at Monk's, with her husband Roger, and then it was off to the high school for the Pep Rally. While at the rally, I saw a lot of teachers that I had and was surprised so many are still working there. My favorite teacher from high school saw me and ran up to me and gave me a hug. It was great to see her and to be remembered. As for the Rally itself, wow does the students ever have school spirit. It was a blast to watch them play their games and get all excited for the homecoming game that was only a few hours away.
After the Rally, we noticed we had a parking ticket and so I immediately told Sue to take pictures of the car the street sign and the curb as we were going to the Police Station to contest the ticket. It worked; and that is one thing that is great about living in a small town. In Chicago we would have to wait for a court date to do anything like this. Now, we still had a few hours before the parade was to begin, so we took Roger home and then Sue and I drove around Baraboo look for For Rent signs as they have to move in the near future. We found some potential places and also a fantastic new apartment complex that has every amenity you could ask for. I was shocked at all that you got with this place and how inexpensive it is, compared to what I have been used to paying.
We needed to make a run back up to the high school, as Sue's son needed something from home but he was unable to get there before the parade. So we ran to the house, picked it up and then drove around the high school where the floats were lining up to try and find him. Two things happened at this point. The first is that as we passed the cheerleaders float one of them bent over and showed off more than maybe she expected. I'm thinking she isn't used to wearing something so short. I was shocked at how much of her lady bits I saw! The second thing that happened is as we pulled into a parking lot I saw a friend of mine who lives in Florida. I jumped out of the car, called his name and we chatted briefly. He is only here for a few days and it was so weird to me that our paths would cross and at this location. He offered for me to live with him in Florida if I should decide to stay in the US and find a job there, as he has plenty of room and would love the company.
Okay, now we are off to the parade. It was fun to be an observer of this parade. I was always in the parade but never got to see it. I also ran into a lot of people I went to high school with. I am assuming they live in the area and didn't just come here for the parade, but who knows really. It was nice to see them. After the parade I went back home for a couple hours to relax before the football game. Plus I needed to grab a warmer coat. I left my winter coat and stuff in Germany, so I needed to borrow something of Chris'.
The football game was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed my time with Sue and I think her husband Roger is a doll. The game was interesting. Baraboo lost 47-12 against Mt. Horeb, but from what I have heard Baraboo always loses. The atmosphere was fun though and of course the people watching at a small town football game is top notch.
After the game I came home and tried to warm up. I was so cold from sitting outside, well that isn't exactly true. My feet and hands were cold but everything else was fine. So I relaxed and watched some Scooby Doo while curled up under a warm blanket. And now I am off to bed as I am exhausted from sleeping so little last night and then having such a busy day today.
But before I go, three interesting things happened today regarding the country of Germany. First, during lunch the woman sitting behind me was talking about her recent trip to Germany and how much she loved the country. Enter pang in my stomach. At the pep rally I saw a German flag hanging in the school for the German foreign exchange student they have. That kind of made me a little sad. Lastly, while watching Scooby Doo they had a German family in one of the episodes I watched, as evident by the fact that they spoke German at times in the show. I have been missing my home and life there more and more and these things only added to it. Anyway, just thought I would share.
I got ready and headed off to my friend Kris' work place to drop off a container of hers, after which I stopped by my Aunt Sugar's work to chat with her for a bit. I met up at 11am with my friend Sue, who I was spending the day with. We grabbed a bite to eat at Monk's, with her husband Roger, and then it was off to the high school for the Pep Rally. While at the rally, I saw a lot of teachers that I had and was surprised so many are still working there. My favorite teacher from high school saw me and ran up to me and gave me a hug. It was great to see her and to be remembered. As for the Rally itself, wow does the students ever have school spirit. It was a blast to watch them play their games and get all excited for the homecoming game that was only a few hours away.
After the Rally, we noticed we had a parking ticket and so I immediately told Sue to take pictures of the car the street sign and the curb as we were going to the Police Station to contest the ticket. It worked; and that is one thing that is great about living in a small town. In Chicago we would have to wait for a court date to do anything like this. Now, we still had a few hours before the parade was to begin, so we took Roger home and then Sue and I drove around Baraboo look for For Rent signs as they have to move in the near future. We found some potential places and also a fantastic new apartment complex that has every amenity you could ask for. I was shocked at all that you got with this place and how inexpensive it is, compared to what I have been used to paying.
We needed to make a run back up to the high school, as Sue's son needed something from home but he was unable to get there before the parade. So we ran to the house, picked it up and then drove around the high school where the floats were lining up to try and find him. Two things happened at this point. The first is that as we passed the cheerleaders float one of them bent over and showed off more than maybe she expected. I'm thinking she isn't used to wearing something so short. I was shocked at how much of her lady bits I saw! The second thing that happened is as we pulled into a parking lot I saw a friend of mine who lives in Florida. I jumped out of the car, called his name and we chatted briefly. He is only here for a few days and it was so weird to me that our paths would cross and at this location. He offered for me to live with him in Florida if I should decide to stay in the US and find a job there, as he has plenty of room and would love the company.
Okay, now we are off to the parade. It was fun to be an observer of this parade. I was always in the parade but never got to see it. I also ran into a lot of people I went to high school with. I am assuming they live in the area and didn't just come here for the parade, but who knows really. It was nice to see them. After the parade I went back home for a couple hours to relax before the football game. Plus I needed to grab a warmer coat. I left my winter coat and stuff in Germany, so I needed to borrow something of Chris'.
The football game was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed my time with Sue and I think her husband Roger is a doll. The game was interesting. Baraboo lost 47-12 against Mt. Horeb, but from what I have heard Baraboo always loses. The atmosphere was fun though and of course the people watching at a small town football game is top notch.
After the game I came home and tried to warm up. I was so cold from sitting outside, well that isn't exactly true. My feet and hands were cold but everything else was fine. So I relaxed and watched some Scooby Doo while curled up under a warm blanket. And now I am off to bed as I am exhausted from sleeping so little last night and then having such a busy day today.
But before I go, three interesting things happened today regarding the country of Germany. First, during lunch the woman sitting behind me was talking about her recent trip to Germany and how much she loved the country. Enter pang in my stomach. At the pep rally I saw a German flag hanging in the school for the German foreign exchange student they have. That kind of made me a little sad. Lastly, while watching Scooby Doo they had a German family in one of the episodes I watched, as evident by the fact that they spoke German at times in the show. I have been missing my home and life there more and more and these things only added to it. Anyway, just thought I would share.
A sheet was lifted, but the light switch turned off
My blog entry from yesterday did not turn out as I had expected it to. This is not necessarily a bad thing, I was just so shocked at how upset some people became and the following actions taken to deal with their anxiety over my entry. So, to those who were deeply bothered and concerned with my entry, I apologize for causing you distress. I had hoped in asking people at the beginning of the entry not to freak out and by adding some humor within the entry it would diffuse some people's angst. We have such a stigma in our culture, and in most cultures, not to talk about feelings and this is where troubles begin with feelings of depression and subsequently suicide. My aim was to break down this stigma, to be able to talk about it and to feel safe enough to do so on my own blog, but it has not turned out that way for me.
After writing that entry yesterday I felt better than I have for many, many weeks. I felt as though the dark sheet that had been draped over my face had been lifted. I felt a sense of clarity, I made goals and began to look deeper at the seven options I have came up with for my future. I finally made Chris' favorite cookies and tried yet another new dish for dinner (which failed miserably). I took a shower, washed and conditioned my hair and even put on all clean clothes; and let me tell you, that is only the second time in the five weeks I have been here that all those three things has happened on the same day!
But by the end of the day, after dealing with my email in-box exploding all day, being told I should write something different on my blog and trying to maintain the anxiety of my loved ones, the darkness came back. I get that the entry could be difficult to read. But I needed to release some of the burden I have been feeling, to be able to open up in a way that was safe to me, only to end up taking care of others. Some people are angry at me, others are worried, and some even appear indifferent. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I have my own anger right now and my own disappointment with people, which at some level is fine with me since others are feeling that right back at me.
I was up until nearly 3am this morning talking with Laura. I had to get up shortly after 7am and so I am tired; physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. During this conversation the light that I had been feeling all day, this new inner strength and direction in my life that I was piecing together left me. The light switch was turned off and the darkness returned. I know I will be making major life decisions and life changes in the next few weeks. I will need my strength to deal with all of these changes. If I stay in the US my life will be faced with many challenges and if I return to Germany I will face alternate challenges there. Wherever I am living I plan to do things differently. Part of my clarity yesterday let me see some of the mistakes I made in Germany in terms of how I was living my life. That will not happen again no matter where I end up residing.
As of right now, I am not the person I once was. I am depressed and have lost a zest for life. But I have also not totally given up. I write on my blog everyday. I talk with friends, my brother and my aunt Sugar on a daily basis. I am seeing a therapist on Monday to help me address my depression and suicidal thoughts. So, I beg you, if you are concerned about me, please come to me before going to Carsten, my mom, or anyone else. I am a complicated person and I am dealing with a challenging situation, but I am still willing to answer questions directed to me, about me. If for whatever reason you can't reach me, the person who knows me best right now is my brother Chris. I have shared everything with him and I am guessing at times he thinks I share too much. I am living with him and he knows me better right now than anyone else. I have told him things about me and my feelings that I have shared with no one. Thus, if you attempt to reach me and if after a reasonable length of time (I'll let you all be the judge of that) that you don't hear from me, than by all means call Chris.
I love you all and am humbled by the love and support I have received. My friends and family have come through in ways that I had not expected and that makes me one lucky person. Thank you all for reading and for your continued support during what I hope to be the darkest time of my life. Oh, and if I upset anyone with this entry, I apologize up front. Write me an email or make a comment on the blog and I promise I will respond to you about it as soon as possible.
After writing that entry yesterday I felt better than I have for many, many weeks. I felt as though the dark sheet that had been draped over my face had been lifted. I felt a sense of clarity, I made goals and began to look deeper at the seven options I have came up with for my future. I finally made Chris' favorite cookies and tried yet another new dish for dinner (which failed miserably). I took a shower, washed and conditioned my hair and even put on all clean clothes; and let me tell you, that is only the second time in the five weeks I have been here that all those three things has happened on the same day!
But by the end of the day, after dealing with my email in-box exploding all day, being told I should write something different on my blog and trying to maintain the anxiety of my loved ones, the darkness came back. I get that the entry could be difficult to read. But I needed to release some of the burden I have been feeling, to be able to open up in a way that was safe to me, only to end up taking care of others. Some people are angry at me, others are worried, and some even appear indifferent. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I have my own anger right now and my own disappointment with people, which at some level is fine with me since others are feeling that right back at me.
I was up until nearly 3am this morning talking with Laura. I had to get up shortly after 7am and so I am tired; physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. During this conversation the light that I had been feeling all day, this new inner strength and direction in my life that I was piecing together left me. The light switch was turned off and the darkness returned. I know I will be making major life decisions and life changes in the next few weeks. I will need my strength to deal with all of these changes. If I stay in the US my life will be faced with many challenges and if I return to Germany I will face alternate challenges there. Wherever I am living I plan to do things differently. Part of my clarity yesterday let me see some of the mistakes I made in Germany in terms of how I was living my life. That will not happen again no matter where I end up residing.
As of right now, I am not the person I once was. I am depressed and have lost a zest for life. But I have also not totally given up. I write on my blog everyday. I talk with friends, my brother and my aunt Sugar on a daily basis. I am seeing a therapist on Monday to help me address my depression and suicidal thoughts. So, I beg you, if you are concerned about me, please come to me before going to Carsten, my mom, or anyone else. I am a complicated person and I am dealing with a challenging situation, but I am still willing to answer questions directed to me, about me. If for whatever reason you can't reach me, the person who knows me best right now is my brother Chris. I have shared everything with him and I am guessing at times he thinks I share too much. I am living with him and he knows me better right now than anyone else. I have told him things about me and my feelings that I have shared with no one. Thus, if you attempt to reach me and if after a reasonable length of time (I'll let you all be the judge of that) that you don't hear from me, than by all means call Chris.
I love you all and am humbled by the love and support I have received. My friends and family have come through in ways that I had not expected and that makes me one lucky person. Thank you all for reading and for your continued support during what I hope to be the darkest time of my life. Oh, and if I upset anyone with this entry, I apologize up front. Write me an email or make a comment on the blog and I promise I will respond to you about it as soon as possible.
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