Doom and Gloom has set in

It has been a couple of days since I last wrote and for good reason, I just didn't have the energy to put forth the effort. If I thought I was depressed before, this week has kicked my butt and let me know that I haven't seen anything yet. The weather has also turned sour here this week, which I believe has only heightened my negative state.

On Wednesday a friend came to the door to visit me, but I couldn't even manage to answer the door. I don't know if she knows I was sitting right there, and if she does I hope she doesn't take it personally. I was in no place for visitors and instead of saying so I took the lazy way out and just didn't move. For the rest of Wednesday I made homemade Chicken and Dumpling Soup. It was my first time and I didn't even use a recipe. I am a caretaker at heart and even if I am feeling bad, I am still here to help take care of Chris. As a side note, I had no idea how long it took to make this...dang, it is basically an entire day project. In addition to making the soup, I finished one book and then immediately began another. I don;t have TV or phone here and every song I hear makes me cry, so I decided to bury myself in books. On Wednesday night Chris and I managed to have a bonfire in between the rain. Since being here I have found fire and bonfires to be relaxing and meditative. Now, if only the rain would stop so we could have more of them!

For Thursday I had big plans for getting up early, getting ready and heading for the local coffee shop, just to get me out of the house. However, upon waking, my mood was the same as the previous day, maybe even a bit lower. Someone again came to the door and I just let it go. The social butterfly I one was appears to be hibernating. A bit later the door bell rang again and it was the same friends. I decided that I should at least acknowledge them since the made the effort to stop by not one, but twice in one day. We ended up talking for over 3 hours, which all though it was nice to see them and catch up, I just couldn't shake the heaviness of my body and wanting to be alone with my gloom.

Once these friends left I needed to get ready as I was having dinner with my friend Kris at her place. It was a fun night and the food was great, though I think we might have had too much Gin and wine, assuming that is even possible.

And here I am at Friday. I have been here for about two weeks and feel no better, maybe even worse, than when I arrived. As much as I have enjoyed seeing family and friends and occasionally meeting new people, I can't help but think of how much better this would be if I wasn't burdened with so much pain and sadness. Chris tells me people understand and I shouldn't worry about it. Maybe he is right, but in the end all that is easier said than done.