Crazyland

You know how sometimes your in a funky mood, kind of sad, maybe a bit angry, just not yourself.  It's just funky and you don't really know how to describe it; possibly insecure, jealous or maybe you feel overly worried or anxious but you can't really pin-point as to why.  Well,  a friend and I refer to this as Crazyland.  We say we are taking a trip there or have just returned from there, etc.  I think it is a way for us to talk lightly about some unpleasant, and at times, heavy emotions.  That being said, I am clearly on a trip to Crazyland and have been there since sometime yesterday.  My trips there have become much less frequent than at other times in my life, but I still seem to go there periodically.  No, I'm no dissociating.  Anyway, I just feel a bit down and my emotions seem to be on a roller coaster.  I love being here, but miss my life back in he US.  Well, not all of my life, but my friends, family and work.  Finances are an issue no matter where I live, but not being employed really makes things worse.  Some people assume that my life must be so easy since I am not working and Carsten pays for the household expenses.  Well, I don't know how to respond to this.  Yes, he does pay for the household expenses, but I also do the cleaning and maintaining the house, which really is a lot of work, especially with two cats that leave cat hair everywhere.  Of course being in school to learn a foreign language is also work, as my mind is always going and rarely shuts down.  Since I'm still responsible for my student loan payment every month that causes me a lot of angst; which might be less of an issue if I was working, but it was always an issue in Chicago when I was working, so possibly this really isn't the issue now.  I seem to swing from "I could live here forever" to "I'm sorry, when is the next flight back to Chicago."  I tried to talk with Carsten about all of this last night, but his only response was "Why don't you just make the most of being here."  That is a great response, but how do I do that?  I have no money, I can't interact very well with people, at least I can't talk with them about too many things and really understand what is going on, and I'm lonely.  So, that's where I am at today.