My thoughts on suicide

I know that this blog entry might cause some stress and concern. But please, try to calm down and read the entry in its entirety before you freak out.

Yesterday I read an article about how the ex-husband of Matt Lucas (Actor and Co-Creator of Little Britain) was found dead by suicide. The ex-husband put a message on facebook about death and then he ended his life. This whole thing got me thinking. I mean, I feel like I know a thing or two about suicide. I had three major attempts while in high school and then sought therapy numerous times as an adult for suicidal thoughts. Then from 2005-2008 I worked on a Suicide Awareness and Prevention Grant, informing people of the dangers and signs for someone who is suicidal.

My therapist in Flagstaff was named Brad. He shared with me that he thought my suicidal thoughts we like the backdoor to my house. It is an option, but not the first option (that would be the front door.) That I see the backdoor more as a last resort but that for me I need to put furniture or other things in front of this door to make that option less viable. I loved this not only because I like metaphors, but because it really did fit for me how I saw suicide. It is always there and is always an option, but let's not rush into things here, if you know what I mean.

While working on the suicide grant I heard a lot of stories from people who have struggled with their own suicidal thoughts or dealt with the suicide of others. It is a terrible thing for the family and friends to deal with, but it is also terrible for the people who have attempted or successfully ended their life. To be in such a sad and dark place that this is the only option that feels right is no easy place to be.

Roughly 7 weeks ago I noticed my life was unraveling. I tried to talk about my feelings, only to be told by some that I was being insecure or over-reacting. Two traits that I have mastered if I can be so modest. In addition I was homesick. So it did occur to me that my thinking might not be on the top of its game. However, a couple weeks after that when things really came to a head I felt lower than I have ever felt in my life. It was like getting kicked in the balls, punched in the stomach and the rug pulled out from under me all at the same time. My heart literally hurt physically and I wanted to die. I made a plan, I had the means and the intent was set. I had the whole scene played out in my head and knew I could do it. I even had a back-up plan just in case this one didn't work. I was set and ready to be gone. To have my pain taken away from me for life.

A lot of people believe suicide is a very selfish act. I don't feel the same, but that is what is so great about life, people can have different opinions and still get along. Anyway, the reason I did not end my life while in Freiburg was simple and in my opinion selfless. I didn't know how my body would get back to the States for a funeral and for people to have the closure they might need, which would be met in seeing my body. I talked with my Dad about my feelings and he told me to think of my Grandma here in Baraboo if I was thinking about killing myself. For me, that didn't help. I mean, really. I am sad and miserable and hate my life. If I am going to live, I need to live for me and not for another person. I need to want to be alive to make my life better and not be made to feel guilty because of the sadness someone else would feel at my passing. So, that was that. Once Laura aided me in returning home, it occurred to me that once back in the States I would more easily be able to end my life. I mean, from my perspective I am back home and can be buried in the town I grew up in and be done with it. But something changed.

The depression I felt in Germany was nothing compared to what I was feeling being back in Baraboo. My energy level dropped, I became even more sad and my depression got to the point where ending my life took too much energy. So, I pleaded to whatever higher power is out there to take my life. I didn't care how, I didn't care if I suffered or was in even more pain, to just end it. Everyday now for weeks I have made the same plea but no answer ever comes.

So where does that leave me today, October 8, 2009? Well, it means I am going to talk about it. One of the worst aspects of suicide is that it is very secretive and most people feel very uncomfortable talking about such subjects. Thankfully for me I can talk about anything. So, I decided I needed to address this issue and get it out there. I have a plan and I have means but for now, I have no intent. And I am okay with that. I have made some plans for the future, which is often believed to be a good sign. Maybe, maybe not. But I am here today and today is what matters.