Dark and dreary

Everyday I set goals for myself that I want to complete the following day. My hope is always that in doing so, I will find some sort of purpose in my life, which currently I don't see any. Today the goal was to meet with a friend at noon. Well, I woke up this morning after having a different kind of dream, one of the intimate nature involving Carsten. I awoke to a sense of confusion and sadness. I got out of bed and found a note from Chris that the friend had to cancel for today. At that moment I knew what I had to do...get back into bed. I spent the next several hours in and out of sleep and then eventually decided that I should face the day, or whatever was left of it. I started making dinner, which is pot roast with potatoes and carrots in the slow cooker and then spent the rest of the day thus far either on the computer responding to emails from people I have not had the energy to write to in weeks or sleeping in the chair in the living room. The weather here has been so dark and rainy and my mood is clearly following it. This wallowing in my own depression while surrounded by darkness outside is definitely taking a toll on my physical health as well as my mental health. Last week Wednesday I felt a new found strength and optimism and since then I seem to be sliding further and further back with each passing day. I know that no one can tell me what to do or what the right path for my life is, but dang that would seem to make all of this a bit easier.