So basically, everyone bailed

The plan for tonight had been a bonfire/party at Courtney's place, however, what ended up happening was much different. Maybe people had enough of me on Friday night and thus felt no reason to see me again, but whatever the case, only one person showed up, my friend Sheri. So instead of a bonfire or party, we just relaxed on the couch, ate some yummy food and then later watched Saturday Night Live. It was a very low-key night, which after Friday night was probably for the best :)

My plan for Sunday is to get up early and meet my friend Rachel for breakfast and then at 3pm I head off to Baraboo to return to my family and friends there.

It is 3 weeks ago today that I arrived back in the States. I am still crying every day and feeling lost in life, but I also recognize that this is okay and considering the state of things right now, is also understandable. That being said, I am excited for the day when I feel happy and secure again with and in my life.

My weekend thus far

I had every intention to stay in bed for much of Friday, like I did on Thursday, but then it occurred to me that if I do something different, maybe I will feel different. What a concept. So, I spent roughly 4 hours of the day on the phone with Laura. It made the day go by fast and I think it was good for both of us to talk about things.

On Friday evening, Courtney and I had plans to go out to a bar that a friend of ours owns. When we got there, he had already left for the day, but someone we went to college with was there and let's just say he had clearly been over-served. My friend Rachel joined us out as did an ex-boyfriend and a co-worker of Courtney's. We had a good time there, but then it was time to head off to the next place. I wanted to see what the new bar Plan B in Madison was all about, as I had heard a lot of good things. Suffice to say that I had a great time being with friends, some from a long time ago and some I had just met. We danced, had some drinks and just enjoyed the atmosphere. It was definitely a place I could go back to.

So far today I have not done much of anything. Tonight the plan is to have a bonfire and some friends over. If the weather turns bad we will just have a party inside the house, but clearly the bonfire would be much more fun :)

I have been very blessed the past few weeks with friends and family gathering around me in support, love and encouragement. I am very thankful, honored and touched by every one's kind words. So, now I would like to ask that everyone who has been so kind to me, to send positive thoughts to Carsten, who is struggling right now with a few things and I know could use some support. He is a great person and I hate to know that he is hurting and having a hard time.

Stay in bed, forget the rest

That was basically my motto for much of Thursday. I wonder if I should have stayed in Baraboo a couple more days before coming down to Courtney's place. In Baraboo I can walk around to distract myself, out here I am really just more isolated than I think I need to be. As such, after my last blog entry on Thursday I proceeded to spend the rest of the day either in bed or up doing crunches on the yoga ball. At one point during the day I decided to weigh myself again and the scale here said 178 pounds, though I find that hard to believe. My friend Alica phoned me, and we talked for about an hours, the whole time I was laying in bed under the covers. Courtney's dog Buddy never left my side! Even while I lay in bed crying and while sitting on the couch in tears, he was on my lap staring at me.

Once Courtney and Hailey arrived home, we ate dinner and I helped Hailey with her homework. She did really quite well, though she also gets frustrated easily. She is a bundle of energy and some how Courtney manages to stay calm through it all. Anyway, after dinner we made homemade banana bread and then Hailey read me a story before she went off to bed.

Now it is Friday morning and I slept horrible last night. My mind was racing for much of the night. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:25am and I couldn't seem to turn off my thinking. Once I did fall asleep I dreamt I was in Baraboo, calling an attorney in Germany and speaking fluent German. Of course when I woke up I started saying some of the words from my dream, as I miss speaking German and going to my Integration Course.

My first full day in Madison, well the morning of it so far

Last night Courtney drove up to Baraboo to pick me up for my long weekend in Madison. I invited her to stay for dinner, where she, Chris and I had steak, green beans and potatoes to eat. It was a nice dinner and afterward we sat around for a couple hours in front of the fireplace catching up on things and recalling memories from years past.

Once we made it back to Courtney's place, we watched a couple episodes of The Office before retiring to bed. I slept for crap and could not get comfortable. You would think after 2.5 weeks of sleeping on a sofa sleeper I would drift away to dream land immediately once laying my head down in a real bed. But alas that was not the case.

I woke up this morning again with the overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread. I never thought I would be back in this place, especially so soon after moving to Germany, and I never in a million years thought my life would be this messed up at this stage in my life. Yesterday I felt so good for the first time in weeks and today it feels like I slid back to a darker place again. Maybe this is all normal; but if it is I want the abnormal...NOW!

I was wondering if yesterday was a better day because it was the first sunny day in over a week and now today is dark and cloudy and it will likely begin to rain any moment now. Can the weather impact my mood so greatly?

Yesterday was also the first time in weeks that I listened to music other than by Alanis and Tracy Chapman. I think that might have helped as well, since music has always been such a big part of my life. Today I chose Jody Watley to listen to and this is the song that came up...probably not the best choice:

I've been around for quite some time
Patiently waiting for you to settle down
But my patience is starting to wear very thin
From stories of your women time and time again

So don't take my love for granted
Or you might lose this good thing
I'm trying to do the best I can for you
And when you stop playing around
You'll really know it's true

That I'm the one you need Baby
I'm the one you need Baby
If you look inside your heart
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby

Cause I care for you
I live for you
I'm not out to get your money
Cause I buy my own clothes
And I play my own rent

All I want from you is love and affection
That'll keep us moving in the right direction
So don't take my love for granted
Or you might lose this good thing

I'm trying to do the best I can for you
And when you stop playing around
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby

I'm the one you need Baby
If you look inside your heart
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby
Cause I care for you
I live for you

A Productive Day...So Far

I woke up this morning feeling down in the dumps and sorry for myself. I also had several dreams last night and every one of them had to do with vaginas in one form or another; I know, how many forms can they possibly take on :) Anyway, I have no idea what to make of that, so we'll just move on.

After a bit of just laying in bed, I decided to get up and work out. I did 100 ab crunches and ran for half an hour. I felt such a relief it was amazing. I cried for about five minutes while on the treadmill, but that was because one particular song came on that brought back a flood of emotions. But after that past, I felt a new sense of strength that I have not felt in weeks, maybe even months. I proceeded to work on my CV and updating all my information. I also cleaned the house and worked on cleaning up files on my computer here.

I have not made any decisions about my future, but today I feel like I may be at the beginning stages of having some clarity about what I want and how to get it.

In other news, I will be leaving in a few hours to spend a long weekend in Madison, reconnecting with friends and trying to put some space in between my sadness and what life should actually be all about. I hope to have regular access to a computer while I am away in order to keep up-to-date with my blog, but if I don't, I will write all about it when I return on Sunday.

To end this post, here is the song that I have been listening to all day so far, which I think has helped my mood and given me my new sense of strength.

Sing ~ Wynonna

Its in the wind
Noise and steam
‘neath your skin
And in your dream
It’s who you are
It’s how you feel
A guiding star
Your driving wheel

Sing
(Let it take you
Let it make you
Never break you down)
Sing
(Let it mold you
Let it make you bold
And never hold you down)
Sing
Sing, your heart out

Its on the street
The neon glare
The hard concrete
The cold night air
Its in your voice
The way you sound
Have no choice
But come unwound

Sing
(Your songs of truth and pain
All the things you can’t explain)
Sing
(The way you feel inside
Let the music be your guide)
Sing, your heart out

Sing it like you hear it
Like you have no need to fear it now
Sing it like you know it
Like you’re not afraid to show us how
Sing from somewhere way down deep
Sing and make the angels weep
Sing and open heaven’s door
Sing ‘til you can’t sing no more

Sing
(Your songs of dark and light
Make your mark with all your might)
Sing
(Your songs of hope and fear
Sing the song that sent you hear)
Sing, your heart out
Sing
Sing
Sing, your heart out
Sing
Sing, your heart out

Another job down the drain

I had heard recently about a job in Phoenix that would be perfect for me; however, I found out today that it is in fact not going to be available to me. Such is life I guess. I did have a pretty good day though; I spent a couple hours with my friend Kris which was fun and at home I did some cleaning and then made lasagna and garlic bread for dinner. During the night we just sat in front of the fire place and watched some Scooby Doo. How did I do that you wonder, since we don't have cable or an antenna? Well, Chris had bought me some Scooby Doo DVDs for Christmas last year and decided to give them to me last Sunday. So now we have three seasons worth of What's New Scooby Doo to watch!! And as if things could get any better than Scooby Doo, Madonna released her most recent double disk greatest hits today, along with a DVD video compilation. So, I treated myself and bought them all. Financially maybe not the best plan, but I need to do something to get me out of this depressed mood.

I can't catch a break!

Well, it appears that not only does my partner possibly not want me, but neither does any job I show interest in. It feels quite clear to me at this point that neither job in Chicago that I applied for will be hiring me and I heard from the job in Switzerland today that they are unable to hire me as well. I have also been in contact with someone else in Germany for the past three months trying to find work, but she just emailed me and said she has nothing for me as well. And lastly, every other job I applied for in Germany has already rejected me, so at this point in time I have no job prospects on the horizon. Maybe this is good, since I don't know where I will be living in the next couple of months. I know where I want to be, but maybe the plan is for me to be living in Baraboo, working at Kwik Trip and being alone. Speaking of that, in the late 90's I went to have my Tarot Cards read and then the following night I had my palm read some place else by another person. I don't hold much stock in all this, but they both told me the same thing, which was, I have a short love life and that I shouldn't expect to have a significant love in my life but rather be surrounded by family friends. That I should expect to be alone and that I have a long life line to enjoy that alone time.

Monday, Monday

Today was a typical autumn day for Wisconsin, windy with grey skies and cool temperatures. It was a perfect day to be lazy, so what did I do? I rearranged Chris' furniture, cleaned the house and did his laundry. At 2pm I met with my Dad and we headed off to Culver's for frozen custard, which really hit the spot since I hadn't eaten anything yet. For dinner we had pork chops on the grill, cauliflower and baked potatoes, which we ate while sitting in front of the fire place. During the night, we headed off to a local pub where we chatted with some friends and I watched the Dallas Cowboys football game, where they won against the North Carolina Panthers. I don't know much about football, but it seemed like a pretty interesting game. But the best part of the day was getting an email from my teacher back on Germany. It really warmed my heart and at the same time made me miss being in Germany even more.

Sunday night and into Monday

For much of Sunday afternoon and then for the entire evening, Chris and I sat in front of his fireplace. I can't believe how much I have been around fire in the last two weeks or so. I find it comforting for some reason and am most calm while staring at the flames. Anyway, we sat in front of the fire, me with a bottle of red wine and Chris drinking Pepsi. He decided that if I could have a dry day on Saturday, he would have one on Sunday. I spent some time tonight looking at pictures of the last 7.5 years of my life with Carsten, remembering all the fun times, all the trips and all my different hair styles. It was probably a mistake to look at them, as they made me even more sad, but I miss him so much and even seeing a picture of him reminds me why I am still wanting to make things work. Around 11:30pm, Chris went to bed and I decided to call my friend Laura, as it has been too long since I was in contact with her. We were on the phone for a little over 2.5 hours and as always, she was a great source of support and comfort. Around 3am I finally went to bed and it didn't take long to fall asleep. On a side note, the song that has been in my head for three days now is 2 out of 3 Ain't Bad, by Meatloaf. God I hate that song!! So, this morning I finally got myself out of bed after having a great dream; seriously, I mean anyone who knows me well knows my dreams are usually not that pleasant, but last night I dreamed that Carsten and I lived together, in a warm climate, with our two cats. We were so happy in the dream and full of life and love. When I woke up I thought for a moment that the dream was real life and all this other stuff was just a bad dream. What a shock to my system when it all came back to me what is going on in my life at the moment.

My Weekend: The Cliff Note Version

Friday night was one of the most fun I have had in several weeks and by far the best time since I have been in Baraboo. What made it so great was that while we were out at a local pub two of my cousins, Lori and Lindsey, joined us out. It was great to see them and to spend time with them, but what made it really special was hearing Chris and Lindsey performing karaoke to the song "Like A Virgin." I laughed so hard my stomach hurt!

Saturday was a low-key day for me. I had a hard time getting out of bed and didn't have much ambition to do much once I was up. We did have a yummy brunch of cinnamon French toast and fresh pork bacon. Chris went out to mow the lawn and pick up leaves while I swept out the garage. And after two weeks of being here I finally had a phone conversation with Carsten. It was not the feel-good call I wanted, but it was great to hear his voice. After the phone call I felt sad, empty and totally depleted of any emotion. I began to wonder how you can love someone so much and at the same time feel such distance from them. In the evening Chris and I had a bonfire and just sat outside watching the fire, telling stories of our lives and each trying to figure our lives out.

Sunday was an earlier day than Saturday. We had a tasty breakfast and then got ready to go to the mall shopping. Neither one of us has any extra money, but we both still managed to make purchases. Chris bought himself a new pair of tennis shoes, which look great on him. I bought myself a great green raincoat, so that when/if I return to Germany I will have something to wear while I ride my bike in the wet weather. My other purchase was a new pair of jeans. I don't wear jeans often and only own a couple pairs. However, I have been losing weight and the one pair I packed for this trip back to the US doesn't fit me as well. When I left for Germany last October I weighed the most I have ever in my life, 207 pounds. However, now I am 184 pounds and down from a size 35/36 to a 32/33. So, my new jeans are the skinny brand of jeans and I felt great when I tried them on. Plus, my back side looks fan-friggin-tastic!! To make the deal even sweeter, they were 50% off!!! Once back home, Carsten phoned again, and again although I love hearing his voice, what is actually said hurts my heart and makes me feel sick to my stomach.

And now, I am sitting in front of the fire place, with the cold, rainy weather outside just trying to make it through another day.

Doom and Gloom has set in

It has been a couple of days since I last wrote and for good reason, I just didn't have the energy to put forth the effort. If I thought I was depressed before, this week has kicked my butt and let me know that I haven't seen anything yet. The weather has also turned sour here this week, which I believe has only heightened my negative state.

On Wednesday a friend came to the door to visit me, but I couldn't even manage to answer the door. I don't know if she knows I was sitting right there, and if she does I hope she doesn't take it personally. I was in no place for visitors and instead of saying so I took the lazy way out and just didn't move. For the rest of Wednesday I made homemade Chicken and Dumpling Soup. It was my first time and I didn't even use a recipe. I am a caretaker at heart and even if I am feeling bad, I am still here to help take care of Chris. As a side note, I had no idea how long it took to make this...dang, it is basically an entire day project. In addition to making the soup, I finished one book and then immediately began another. I don;t have TV or phone here and every song I hear makes me cry, so I decided to bury myself in books. On Wednesday night Chris and I managed to have a bonfire in between the rain. Since being here I have found fire and bonfires to be relaxing and meditative. Now, if only the rain would stop so we could have more of them!

For Thursday I had big plans for getting up early, getting ready and heading for the local coffee shop, just to get me out of the house. However, upon waking, my mood was the same as the previous day, maybe even a bit lower. Someone again came to the door and I just let it go. The social butterfly I one was appears to be hibernating. A bit later the door bell rang again and it was the same friends. I decided that I should at least acknowledge them since the made the effort to stop by not one, but twice in one day. We ended up talking for over 3 hours, which all though it was nice to see them and catch up, I just couldn't shake the heaviness of my body and wanting to be alone with my gloom.

Once these friends left I needed to get ready as I was having dinner with my friend Kris at her place. It was a fun night and the food was great, though I think we might have had too much Gin and wine, assuming that is even possible.

And here I am at Friday. I have been here for about two weeks and feel no better, maybe even worse, than when I arrived. As much as I have enjoyed seeing family and friends and occasionally meeting new people, I can't help but think of how much better this would be if I wasn't burdened with so much pain and sadness. Chris tells me people understand and I shouldn't worry about it. Maybe he is right, but in the end all that is easier said than done.

Not the person I once was

Over the past couple of weeks I have begun to take stock of who I am as a person. I have noticed that I am not the person I once was. I often saw myself as happy, fun to be with and to use my humor as much as possible. I liked life for the most part and though some saw me as being pessimistic at times, I believe it was my defense mechanism to prepare for the rough times in life. As of late, I now see myself as an empty shell of who I once was. I feel like a failure, a loser and pathetic. My happiness now is forced and not genuine. I don't like this new me and at the same time I have no desire to change. My zest for life has left me, at least for the time being. Some say time heals all wounds. Maybe this is true, but the wound I feel currently is so consuming of me I can't even begin to imagine how much time it would take to heal. My spirit is broken, my faith in people is tainted and all my tears never seem to bring me any sense of relief from the pain that consumes my body.

Yesterday

I meant to write about my day yesterday last night, but just couldn't muster up the energy. So, here is a recap of the day.

It was a colder, rainy day and felt very much like fall was settling in. I had plans to walk with my friend Kris during her lunch break but due to the weather, we decided to do some shopping instead. We made a quick run out to the Super Walmart and then stopped by Farm and Fleet. While in there I heard a song that brought back happier memories of Carsten and really seemed to impact my mood. I tried to hide it, but for the rest of the day I just felt a little sadder. After Farm and Fleet we went to a local store here in Baraboo that sells kitchen and cooking stuff. I love the store, but I also find it a bit pricey, especially for this town.

After my time with Kris I met my Aunt Sugar for lunch. We went to where we always go and I got my favorite thing on the menu there, Buffalo Chicken Salad. I wasn't able to eat all of it, but I did pretty well.

After lunch I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner on Wednesday, as I am trying out something new for dinner.

Once Chris arrived home from work we were off to our grandma's for dinner at her place. She made BBQ ribs, au gratin potatoes, corn and salad and then for dessert some really yummy chocolate pie thingy.

Chris was exhausted due to the late night on Monday and thus he fell asleep wherever he was, the chair, the couch and then back home he was out on the couch for a few hours before making his way into bed. As for me, I was on the phone talking to my gal pal Laura and also with Courtney for a bit.

At the end of the night I read for a while about one man's struggle with kidney disease. Although I don't have a disease, my broken heart at times feels like one and some of the things he wrote about, in terms of giving up and feeling alone and isolated, really hit home. I finished half the book and plan to finish the rest today.

A request, without the dedication :)

I want to again thank everyone for their support during this time of my life; the amount of support has been fantastic. That being said, I am asking you to not ask how I am doing, how I am feeling or what my plans are. I am feeling sad, hurt and scared for my future. I am not doing all that well and I have no idea what my future holds at this time. I ask you not to share your opinions unless specifically asked and to keep your analysis of my situation until deemed appropriate. I know everyone means well, but it is all becoming a bit too overwhelming for me to take in at this time. I love you all dearly, but until I figure some things out, I have no answers to your questions. I thank you in advance for your understanding during this time. Much love!!!

A night by the bonfire

Well, I cleaned as planned for today. Actually, due to my high level of anxiety today I cleaned the inside of the house as well as raked some of the lawn and swept the two driveways. Clearly I had a lot of energy :) Later in the night Chris and I had a bonfire and our mom joined as well for bit. Even later in the night a female friend of ours named Allyson joined as well. It was a fun night, but late night. While Chris and I were alone we again talked about our life and what we want from it.
He didn't always say what I wanted to hear, but maybe what I needed to hear! He has a lot of insight and and though our lives are quite different, some things are just universal.

Changing plans for today

My goal for today was to get up early, go running and do some sit-ups and then get ready to have lunch with a therapist friend of mine to talk through my current situation and to help me find some clarity and to possibly find a solution to my infinite sadness. However, after another night of horrible sleep filled with even worse dreams about being rejected, abandoned and murdered, I found it hard to actually get out of bed today. Thus, I didn't go running, but I did do my sit-ups. As for lunch with my friend, it needs to be rescheduled due to illness on her end. Although I was bummed at first, another friend stepped up to the plate and invited me to go walking this afternoon. Now I don't have to worry about not running because I will be walking for close to two hours when all is said and done. Once I get back from the walk I should finally do some laundry and quite possibly clean up the house. I mean, it has been three days since I cleaned here.

The weekend comes to a close

After brunch today, Chris and I laid low for a while. With stuff to do but no real motivation we found comfort in the living room, as well as sitting in the sun in the backyard talking about life and the road to happiness. Later in the afternoon I went over to my friend Michelle's place. I have not seen her since last year before I left, so it was great to catch up on things. The funniest thing about the visit was I drove over to her house using Chris' huge truck. It is my first time driving in nearly one year and so I was a bit scared, especially since his truck is gigantic. But I had no troubles at all and made it back safe and sound.

For dinner Chris and I made chicken on the grill and had corn and stuffing. I am noticing that I am eating way more for dinner here than I ever did in Germany, except for the times when Carsten and I were visiting his mom, then I ate everything in sight.

After dinner I started to feel pretty sad again. Chris had started a fire in the fireplace and we just sat there, enjoying the warmth and talking more about our lives and how we have ended up in our current situations. We are both in pain and although I want to be back in Germany, part of me is glad to be here with my little brother right now too.

My weekend so far...

On Friday afternoon I went to see my friend Kris again and we went to Walmart. My first time there since being back in the States. They have a new look, but still the same ol' store. On Friday night Chris and I went out with some friends to a bar in Baraboo I had never been to before. I had been warned, I mean told, about this place ahead of time, and it wasn't half as bad as I expected. We had a good time, I met some new people and was able to reconnect with some old friends. I was told through out the night that I looked sad, so although I am trying to put on a happy face, clearly I need to work on it some.

On Saturday Chris and I decided to have a bit of a lazy day. We dumped off the compost and then went to Walmart to buy some toiletries. We watched a DVD in the afternoon and just hung out outside for the rest of the day. For dinner we went out with my mom and her husband to the new Mexican restaurant in Baraboo. It was way, way better than I expected. I mean everything was delicious!!! I did not have a margarita, yet, as I knew I was going out tonight and didn't want to mix my alcohol. After dinner, Chris and I met out with a bunch of our (his) friends for a birthday celebration. It was a long but fun night. I got to meet more new people and again catch up with some I haven't seen or talked to since before I moved to Germany. I was again told that I looked sad, especially in my eyes.

Today is Sunday and Chris and I will make brunch at the house and then see what the day brings. I might be ale to meet up with a friend of mine today to catch up on thing, as well as possibly going out again tonight with some friends of Chris'.

Missing

I have been back on the States for about one week and although it is great being back with my family and friends, meeting new people and hanging out with the old group, I am really missing Carsten and my life back in Germany. Besides Carsten, I miss my girls Zoe and Lela as well as my comfy bed!!! Here I am sleeping on a sleeper sofa and though it is better than the floor, it isn't nearly as good as my new bed back on Freiburg. I have received emails from a couple of people from my class in Freiburg and am even missing the class as well.

Glad it's Friday

Yesterday was not a very good day. Though I did go shopping (I didn't buy anything) with my friend Aimee, the rest of the day I was basically curled in a ball on the floor in tears. From an outsider looking in I am sure it looked pretty pathetic, but that's where I was at that moment.

In the evening I went for a walk with my mom and then later back at Chris' place we lit a fire in the fireplace. It didn't take long after that for both of us to feel quite drowsy. Thus, last night was the earliest I have been to bed since I arrived in Baraboo.

I don't have too much on the agenda for today, but my goal is to stay off the floor as much as possible. I believe Carsten might be at his mom's place this weekend, so it looks like we are both turning to our family for support right now.