The End Of An Era

This is my last entry on this blog. It is entry 475 and though I had hoped to make it to 500 before I stopped, that didn't happen. However, don't you fret none, as I have started a new blog and my hope is to keep it going for many years to come. So, while I thank you for taking the time to read this blog and follow along with my adventures while living in Germany, I now have a new blog that I hope you will read as well as it will not only keep people up to date on my comings and goings, but on my thoughts and general outlook on life.

Happy Birthday Kris

Today is the birthday of my friend Kris. She and I went to school together many, many years ago in Baraboo. After nearly 20 years of not seeing or talking with one another she located me on facebook. Since then, we have emailed often and upon my arrival in Baraboo we have seen each other on a regular basis. It has been great getting to know you all over again and I wish you the happiest of birthdays and a most amazing year.

Happy Anniversary

Today is a special day for me. It is the one year anniversary of my civil union ceremony with Carsten. So Carsten, if you are reading this, Happy Anniversary. One year ago today you made the happiest person and though we are apart this year on our special day, I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Thank you for an amazing year in Germany and for making me your partner.

I think I'm at a loss for words

One of my favorite lines from Golden Girls is when something bad happens to Blanche and she says "I am stunned. Just stunned. There is no other word for how I am feeling but...stunned." In a way I feel much the same way. I am stunned at where my life is at currently, at the decisions I need to be making and how scary my future feels to me. I am stunned at the amount of support I have received and stunned at how certain people seem to avoid dealing with emotions all together. I am stunned that things I write about on my blog, especially me and my life, can be so hurtful and have such a profound impact on the lives of others.

I have decided to take some time away from my blog. It has become such an important part of who I am, but at the same time seems to be hurting people I love and possibly pushing others away. I don't know how long I will be gone, possibly a day, maybe a week. I know I will be back writing on here, or possibly on a new blog. But for now I need to figure out what direction I need to be taking in terms of finding happiness in my life.

As always, I thank you for your support and for taking time out of your lives to read about me. Feel free to email me with any thoughts, questions or comments and I will respond at quickly as possible.

My weekend

I realize I am behind the time with this since it is late Sunday night, but here is the summary of my weekend. I spent much of Saturday with my mom. We haven't spent a lot of time together in the five weeks I have been here, so it was nice to spend the day with her. We went to the Fair on the Square, which is a downtown Baraboo thing. We had a good time and I found the rocking chair I have been looking for for about 10 years or so. I also saw some friends of mine and chatted for a bit. Afterward we went shopping at some stores and then went for lunch together with Chris. Later in the day we went to a baby shower, which we stayed at for 6 hours. It was my longest shower and one of the most fun. Afterward at home, Chris and I stayed up until 2:30 am watching a movie.

On Sunday, we got up early, had a nice breakfast an then started our day. We went grocery shopping and then went to buy lawn care and household items. Back at home, we did some lawn care and then I spoke with Carsten. As usual, it wasn't the feel good conversation I would hope for, but it was nice to hear his voice and to hear where he is at with things in regards to our relationship, or what is left of it. In the evening, we invited mom and Dick over for dinner and then had a bonfire.

I can't say it was a good weekend, but it was filled with a lot to do. I still miss my life back in Germany, but it is looking like I will be in the States longer than expected. I guess only time will tell where I will end up.

We have snow flurries

Although the weather report said snow flurries were likely to fall on Sunday, they just couldn't wait to drop. So, this morning we have flurries outside, with cold winds and gray skies. Just a typical autumn day in Baraboo!

My plan for today is to go to the Fair on the Square with my mom to see what the vendors have for sale this year. Later in the afternoon I am going to a baby shower and then possibly out for ladies night (don't ask) later in the night.

I will write an entry later in the day updating how the day went and all the exciting events that crossed my path here in the bombing metropolis of Baraboo.

Homecoming

After my last blog entry, I proceeded to get sick twice. I don't know if it is the emotional turmoil, my physical health or what, but my body is really trying to tell me something of late. But, I couldn't let getting sick interfere with my plans for today, which was to celebrate homecoming with a high school friend of mine. So, here is a breakdown of the day:

I got ready and headed off to my friend Kris' work place to drop off a container of hers, after which I stopped by my Aunt Sugar's work to chat with her for a bit. I met up at 11am with my friend Sue, who I was spending the day with. We grabbed a bite to eat at Monk's, with her husband Roger, and then it was off to the high school for the Pep Rally. While at the rally, I saw a lot of teachers that I had and was surprised so many are still working there. My favorite teacher from high school saw me and ran up to me and gave me a hug. It was great to see her and to be remembered. As for the Rally itself, wow does the students ever have school spirit. It was a blast to watch them play their games and get all excited for the homecoming game that was only a few hours away.

After the Rally, we noticed we had a parking ticket and so I immediately told Sue to take pictures of the car the street sign and the curb as we were going to the Police Station to contest the ticket. It worked; and that is one thing that is great about living in a small town. In Chicago we would have to wait for a court date to do anything like this. Now, we still had a few hours before the parade was to begin, so we took Roger home and then Sue and I drove around Baraboo look for For Rent signs as they have to move in the near future. We found some potential places and also a fantastic new apartment complex that has every amenity you could ask for. I was shocked at all that you got with this place and how inexpensive it is, compared to what I have been used to paying.

We needed to make a run back up to the high school, as Sue's son needed something from home but he was unable to get there before the parade. So we ran to the house, picked it up and then drove around the high school where the floats were lining up to try and find him. Two things happened at this point. The first is that as we passed the cheerleaders float one of them bent over and showed off more than maybe she expected. I'm thinking she isn't used to wearing something so short. I was shocked at how much of her lady bits I saw! The second thing that happened is as we pulled into a parking lot I saw a friend of mine who lives in Florida. I jumped out of the car, called his name and we chatted briefly. He is only here for a few days and it was so weird to me that our paths would cross and at this location. He offered for me to live with him in Florida if I should decide to stay in the US and find a job there, as he has plenty of room and would love the company.

Okay, now we are off to the parade. It was fun to be an observer of this parade. I was always in the parade but never got to see it. I also ran into a lot of people I went to high school with. I am assuming they live in the area and didn't just come here for the parade, but who knows really. It was nice to see them. After the parade I went back home for a couple hours to relax before the football game. Plus I needed to grab a warmer coat. I left my winter coat and stuff in Germany, so I needed to borrow something of Chris'.

The football game was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed my time with Sue and I think her husband Roger is a doll. The game was interesting. Baraboo lost 47-12 against Mt. Horeb, but from what I have heard Baraboo always loses. The atmosphere was fun though and of course the people watching at a small town football game is top notch.

After the game I came home and tried to warm up. I was so cold from sitting outside, well that isn't exactly true. My feet and hands were cold but everything else was fine. So I relaxed and watched some Scooby Doo while curled up under a warm blanket. And now I am off to bed as I am exhausted from sleeping so little last night and then having such a busy day today.

But before I go, three interesting things happened today regarding the country of Germany. First, during lunch the woman sitting behind me was talking about her recent trip to Germany and how much she loved the country. Enter pang in my stomach. At the pep rally I saw a German flag hanging in the school for the German foreign exchange student they have. That kind of made me a little sad. Lastly, while watching Scooby Doo they had a German family in one of the episodes I watched, as evident by the fact that they spoke German at times in the show. I have been missing my home and life there more and more and these things only added to it. Anyway, just thought I would share.

A sheet was lifted, but the light switch turned off

My blog entry from yesterday did not turn out as I had expected it to. This is not necessarily a bad thing, I was just so shocked at how upset some people became and the following actions taken to deal with their anxiety over my entry. So, to those who were deeply bothered and concerned with my entry, I apologize for causing you distress. I had hoped in asking people at the beginning of the entry not to freak out and by adding some humor within the entry it would diffuse some people's angst. We have such a stigma in our culture, and in most cultures, not to talk about feelings and this is where troubles begin with feelings of depression and subsequently suicide. My aim was to break down this stigma, to be able to talk about it and to feel safe enough to do so on my own blog, but it has not turned out that way for me.

After writing that entry yesterday I felt better than I have for many, many weeks. I felt as though the dark sheet that had been draped over my face had been lifted. I felt a sense of clarity, I made goals and began to look deeper at the seven options I have came up with for my future. I finally made Chris' favorite cookies and tried yet another new dish for dinner (which failed miserably). I took a shower, washed and conditioned my hair and even put on all clean clothes; and let me tell you, that is only the second time in the five weeks I have been here that all those three things has happened on the same day!

But by the end of the day, after dealing with my email in-box exploding all day, being told I should write something different on my blog and trying to maintain the anxiety of my loved ones, the darkness came back. I get that the entry could be difficult to read. But I needed to release some of the burden I have been feeling, to be able to open up in a way that was safe to me, only to end up taking care of others. Some people are angry at me, others are worried, and some even appear indifferent. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I have my own anger right now and my own disappointment with people, which at some level is fine with me since others are feeling that right back at me.

I was up until nearly 3am this morning talking with Laura. I had to get up shortly after 7am and so I am tired; physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. During this conversation the light that I had been feeling all day, this new inner strength and direction in my life that I was piecing together left me. The light switch was turned off and the darkness returned. I know I will be making major life decisions and life changes in the next few weeks. I will need my strength to deal with all of these changes. If I stay in the US my life will be faced with many challenges and if I return to Germany I will face alternate challenges there. Wherever I am living I plan to do things differently. Part of my clarity yesterday let me see some of the mistakes I made in Germany in terms of how I was living my life. That will not happen again no matter where I end up residing.

As of right now, I am not the person I once was. I am depressed and have lost a zest for life. But I have also not totally given up. I write on my blog everyday. I talk with friends, my brother and my aunt Sugar on a daily basis. I am seeing a therapist on Monday to help me address my depression and suicidal thoughts. So, I beg you, if you are concerned about me, please come to me before going to Carsten, my mom, or anyone else. I am a complicated person and I am dealing with a challenging situation, but I am still willing to answer questions directed to me, about me. If for whatever reason you can't reach me, the person who knows me best right now is my brother Chris. I have shared everything with him and I am guessing at times he thinks I share too much. I am living with him and he knows me better right now than anyone else. I have told him things about me and my feelings that I have shared with no one. Thus, if you attempt to reach me and if after a reasonable length of time (I'll let you all be the judge of that) that you don't hear from me, than by all means call Chris.

I love you all and am humbled by the love and support I have received. My friends and family have come through in ways that I had not expected and that makes me one lucky person. Thank you all for reading and for your continued support during what I hope to be the darkest time of my life. Oh, and if I upset anyone with this entry, I apologize up front. Write me an email or make a comment on the blog and I promise I will respond to you about it as soon as possible.

My thoughts on suicide

I know that this blog entry might cause some stress and concern. But please, try to calm down and read the entry in its entirety before you freak out.

Yesterday I read an article about how the ex-husband of Matt Lucas (Actor and Co-Creator of Little Britain) was found dead by suicide. The ex-husband put a message on facebook about death and then he ended his life. This whole thing got me thinking. I mean, I feel like I know a thing or two about suicide. I had three major attempts while in high school and then sought therapy numerous times as an adult for suicidal thoughts. Then from 2005-2008 I worked on a Suicide Awareness and Prevention Grant, informing people of the dangers and signs for someone who is suicidal.

My therapist in Flagstaff was named Brad. He shared with me that he thought my suicidal thoughts we like the backdoor to my house. It is an option, but not the first option (that would be the front door.) That I see the backdoor more as a last resort but that for me I need to put furniture or other things in front of this door to make that option less viable. I loved this not only because I like metaphors, but because it really did fit for me how I saw suicide. It is always there and is always an option, but let's not rush into things here, if you know what I mean.

While working on the suicide grant I heard a lot of stories from people who have struggled with their own suicidal thoughts or dealt with the suicide of others. It is a terrible thing for the family and friends to deal with, but it is also terrible for the people who have attempted or successfully ended their life. To be in such a sad and dark place that this is the only option that feels right is no easy place to be.

Roughly 7 weeks ago I noticed my life was unraveling. I tried to talk about my feelings, only to be told by some that I was being insecure or over-reacting. Two traits that I have mastered if I can be so modest. In addition I was homesick. So it did occur to me that my thinking might not be on the top of its game. However, a couple weeks after that when things really came to a head I felt lower than I have ever felt in my life. It was like getting kicked in the balls, punched in the stomach and the rug pulled out from under me all at the same time. My heart literally hurt physically and I wanted to die. I made a plan, I had the means and the intent was set. I had the whole scene played out in my head and knew I could do it. I even had a back-up plan just in case this one didn't work. I was set and ready to be gone. To have my pain taken away from me for life.

A lot of people believe suicide is a very selfish act. I don't feel the same, but that is what is so great about life, people can have different opinions and still get along. Anyway, the reason I did not end my life while in Freiburg was simple and in my opinion selfless. I didn't know how my body would get back to the States for a funeral and for people to have the closure they might need, which would be met in seeing my body. I talked with my Dad about my feelings and he told me to think of my Grandma here in Baraboo if I was thinking about killing myself. For me, that didn't help. I mean, really. I am sad and miserable and hate my life. If I am going to live, I need to live for me and not for another person. I need to want to be alive to make my life better and not be made to feel guilty because of the sadness someone else would feel at my passing. So, that was that. Once Laura aided me in returning home, it occurred to me that once back in the States I would more easily be able to end my life. I mean, from my perspective I am back home and can be buried in the town I grew up in and be done with it. But something changed.

The depression I felt in Germany was nothing compared to what I was feeling being back in Baraboo. My energy level dropped, I became even more sad and my depression got to the point where ending my life took too much energy. So, I pleaded to whatever higher power is out there to take my life. I didn't care how, I didn't care if I suffered or was in even more pain, to just end it. Everyday now for weeks I have made the same plea but no answer ever comes.

So where does that leave me today, October 8, 2009? Well, it means I am going to talk about it. One of the worst aspects of suicide is that it is very secretive and most people feel very uncomfortable talking about such subjects. Thankfully for me I can talk about anything. So, I decided I needed to address this issue and get it out there. I have a plan and I have means but for now, I have no intent. And I am okay with that. I have made some plans for the future, which is often believed to be a good sign. Maybe, maybe not. But I am here today and today is what matters.

One month from today

My return flight to Germany is one month from today. I still have no idea what I am going to do or what the solution is to my current problems. Just when I think I am getting close to reaching a decision I am overwhelmed with doubt and fear. I have many options that I go over in my head, probably going over them too often, but nothing feels like the right decision yet. I guess on the up-side, I have 4 more weeks think about things and reach a decision.

Thanks again to everyone for their support and kind words. It has really meant a lot to me and has helped me more than any of you will likely ever know!

What will happen when all hope is gone?

One of the things that has kept me going for the past month or so is the idea of hope; hope that things will get better and that I will find a clear and direct path to happiness. However, with each passing day, which turns into weeks, this idea of hope feels further and further away from my own sense of reality. And today was a particularly hard day for me.

Once I finally managed to get out of bed, which I have noticed is becoming more and more of a challenge, I looked at what I had wanted to do today. After my dreams from the night before (see a previous post) I decided that anything I had planned would need to be put on the back burner. My friend Kris invited me to go for a walk with her during her lunch break and though the sun was finally shining here, I just couldn't muster up the energy. Well, she wasn't about to take no for an answer and so she came to me and we sat in the house talking for her entire lunch break...and then some. It really meant a lot to me that she came to the house and even though I wanted to be alone with my sadness, her visit gave me a bit of a respite.

After Kris left, my original goal was to go to the store to buy the ingredients to make Chris' favorite cookies. However, I decided that I was not going to leave the house and thus I sat in darkness for the day. For several hours I sat on the floor curled in a ball and just cried. Then I decided I should at least sit out in the sun, so I went in the back yard and cried for a couple of hours back there.

Once Chris arrived home he read the paper and then we were off to Grandma's house for dinner. After dinner we talked for a bit and then we headed off to Mom's place to check on her, since she has been ill this week, and also to pick up the recipe for the cookies and one ingredient we didn't have here at the house.

And now, I hope to get a good night's sleep without any disturbing dreams and to get up refreshed and ready to make cookies.

Dreams that make you go hmmm

I remember two of my dreams from last night and since I am a big fan of dreams, though usually not my own, I will share them with you. The first dream involved me finding myself needing a place to live. I had no belongings, only a couple suitcases, so I needed a place that was already furnished. In the dream people were fighting over where I would live and who I would live with. The person I wanted to live with didn't have room and so I ended up moving across the street. However, in this house, I had to live with a woman, her senile mother and then her daughter who looked roughly 9 years old. Also, while living in this house I was not allowed to leave alone, the owner always had to escort me wherever I wanted or needed to go. On the upside, in this dream every house was a huge Dynasty-like mansion.

In the second dream I went over to Germany to surprise Carsten. When I arrived at our place it was a total dump and he was completely intoxicated. He told me he hated me and never wanted to see me again and shared that he has kept a list of all the things I have ever done that has bothered him and then he proceeded to read them off to me. We got into a physical altercation and we both fell down a flight of stairs. When we landed Carsten said he wished I would have stayed in the US because then that could be the reason for ending things and not that he hates me.

So, let's begin another day now shall we!

One Year Ago Today

On October 7, 2008, I left Baraboo, WI and headed off to Chicago, where I hopped on a plane that took me to my new life in Germany. I was so happy, excited and a bit nervous, but I also knew I was following my heart and it was where I was suppose to be. Now one year later I am back in Baraboo trying to figure out where I went wrong, when did things fall apart and how I am suppose to put my life back together. I never expected to be in the place I currently am and I hope to never be here ever again. I had an amazing time while in Germany and part of me still sees myself living over there, but since a lot can change in a year, who knows where I will be living next year on October 7th.

Back from the birthday party

Well, I went and made it through. I was told several times how sad I looked and I can't even begin to talk about how irritating this is becoming. It is one thing for me to deal with my sadness but it is another thing to have others comment about it on such a regular basis. At any rate, the party was fun. A singer was there and I was tempted to buy his CD but since I have no real form of income I thought that might not be the best idea. The birthday boy had over 25 shots and seriously, it was becoming really disgusting to watch. Thankfully me and Chris monitored our own alcohol intake and were completely sober throughout the mess. Now, I just have to focus on being able to fall asleep, not have some sort of disturbing dream and have a good day tomorrow. And at this point, a good day would be one without tears, which has not happened in over a month at this point.

Miles Away

I just woke up from a fuzzy dream
You never would believe those things that I had seen
I looked in the mirror and I saw your face
You looked right through me, you were miles away

All my dreams they fade away
I'll never be the same
If you could see me the way you see yourself
I can't pretend to be someone else

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

When no one's around then I have you here
I begin to see the picture, it becomes so clear
You always have the biggest heart,
When we're six thousand miles apart

Too much of no sound
Uncomfortable silence can be so loud
Those three words are never enough
When it's long distance love

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we’re at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true
When I'm gone you'll realize
That I'm the best thing that happened to you

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles a-a-away...

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

By: Madonna

Off to a birthday party

I am not really in the mood for a birthday celebration, but since I have been sitting in the house all day, I decided I might as well join Chris as he goes off to celebrate a friend's birthday. Other than that, I chatted briefly on line with one of my cousin's who wants me to come visit him out in California this weekend. I would love to do it, but I just don't feel like I have it in me.

In other news, tonight for dinner I made my first pot roast with potatoes and carrots, which turned out quite yummy. I think I will make a beef and noodle soup out of the remains.

Good-bye for now; I''ll write more tomorrow.

Dark and dreary

Everyday I set goals for myself that I want to complete the following day. My hope is always that in doing so, I will find some sort of purpose in my life, which currently I don't see any. Today the goal was to meet with a friend at noon. Well, I woke up this morning after having a different kind of dream, one of the intimate nature involving Carsten. I awoke to a sense of confusion and sadness. I got out of bed and found a note from Chris that the friend had to cancel for today. At that moment I knew what I had to do...get back into bed. I spent the next several hours in and out of sleep and then eventually decided that I should face the day, or whatever was left of it. I started making dinner, which is pot roast with potatoes and carrots in the slow cooker and then spent the rest of the day thus far either on the computer responding to emails from people I have not had the energy to write to in weeks or sleeping in the chair in the living room. The weather here has been so dark and rainy and my mood is clearly following it. This wallowing in my own depression while surrounded by darkness outside is definitely taking a toll on my physical health as well as my mental health. Last week Wednesday I felt a new found strength and optimism and since then I seem to be sliding further and further back with each passing day. I know that no one can tell me what to do or what the right path for my life is, but dang that would seem to make all of this a bit easier.

Sports Bar Fever

Tonight we went to a sports bar to watch the Packers vs. the Vikings. The reason this was such a big game was because former quarterback Brett Favre for the GB Packers is now the quarter back for the Minnesota Vikings. It was a good game to watch and it was really quite exciting. I don't normally enjoy American Football and much prefer soccer and baseball, but this was a good game. In the end, the Vikings won, but it was still fun to watch.

Now I am home hoping that I can sleep tonight. A good night sleep is very much needed; though being able to turn off my brain and my feelings seems to always get in the way.

My Monday so far

After laying in bed for some time this morning thinking about my dreams, I finally forced myself up and out. I went directly to the Ab Lounger to do some sit-ups as my stomach seems to need a lot of attention. After working out for a bit I did some things on-line and then went for a 2-hour walk. I spent one hour walking with my friend Kris and then another hour walking alone. I stopped by my mom's for a bit since she was home sick from work and I wanted to check in and see if she needed any thing. After that I walked some more and then headed off to the grocery store for a few items. The rest of the day I spent in front of the computer chatting with various friends and loved ones on-line. Seriously, how did we all function before the Internet?

The plan for tonight is to head off to a local sports bar to watch the Packers play the Vikings. It is clearly the game of the season, at least here in WI. My mood is not in a place where I want to be sitting in a bar watching football, but then again, what else do I have going on?!?

I need new dreams!!!

My dreams have also been a pain in the back side, as they are often too graphic and quite disturbing. And for all of you who are thinking that I should stop watching so many horror movies and that will help, just don't even go there :) Anyway, here are two of my recent dreams. One is I am in high school and as I walk through the front door with my bike (which I rode to school) I am pulled aside and told I need to do an endurance test. After the test I walk out of the room but forget my bike. Once I realize I forgot it I go back to get it only to find that the seat and handle bars are missing and both tires are flat. I talk to the security person who tells me she did it to prevent anyone from stealing it. I thank her and then she and everyone else who is in the area starting chanting at me how I am a loser and can't get a date.

The second dream is that my friend Alica is visiting me in Germany, Carsten has just ended our relationship and Alica and I are staying at Carsten's mom's place. His mom goes into the house to make dinner and Alica and I are sitting outside in the sun. I begin to slice my finger tips and then to peel the skin off of my arms. Once that is done I proceed to light myself on fire wherever I have cut myself. By the end of the dream I am in a body bag with Alica and Carsten's mom looking at the bag in silence.

Now, if any of you are wondering how I am doing as of late, I think both of these dreams demonstrate the status of my well-being.

I made it back from Madison

Today just wasn't a good day. In addition to not feeling well mentally, my physical health is clearly taking a turn for the worse. So, once I arrived back at Chris' home I sat in front of the fireplace, which he had ready for me when I arrived, and just relaxed. We ate pizza (probably not the best considering my stomach issues) and watched a movie, Pineapple Express. Afterward I called my friend Laura to catch up on her weekend and now, I am preparing for bed and hoping for a good night sleep.

So basically, everyone bailed

The plan for tonight had been a bonfire/party at Courtney's place, however, what ended up happening was much different. Maybe people had enough of me on Friday night and thus felt no reason to see me again, but whatever the case, only one person showed up, my friend Sheri. So instead of a bonfire or party, we just relaxed on the couch, ate some yummy food and then later watched Saturday Night Live. It was a very low-key night, which after Friday night was probably for the best :)

My plan for Sunday is to get up early and meet my friend Rachel for breakfast and then at 3pm I head off to Baraboo to return to my family and friends there.

It is 3 weeks ago today that I arrived back in the States. I am still crying every day and feeling lost in life, but I also recognize that this is okay and considering the state of things right now, is also understandable. That being said, I am excited for the day when I feel happy and secure again with and in my life.

My weekend thus far

I had every intention to stay in bed for much of Friday, like I did on Thursday, but then it occurred to me that if I do something different, maybe I will feel different. What a concept. So, I spent roughly 4 hours of the day on the phone with Laura. It made the day go by fast and I think it was good for both of us to talk about things.

On Friday evening, Courtney and I had plans to go out to a bar that a friend of ours owns. When we got there, he had already left for the day, but someone we went to college with was there and let's just say he had clearly been over-served. My friend Rachel joined us out as did an ex-boyfriend and a co-worker of Courtney's. We had a good time there, but then it was time to head off to the next place. I wanted to see what the new bar Plan B in Madison was all about, as I had heard a lot of good things. Suffice to say that I had a great time being with friends, some from a long time ago and some I had just met. We danced, had some drinks and just enjoyed the atmosphere. It was definitely a place I could go back to.

So far today I have not done much of anything. Tonight the plan is to have a bonfire and some friends over. If the weather turns bad we will just have a party inside the house, but clearly the bonfire would be much more fun :)

I have been very blessed the past few weeks with friends and family gathering around me in support, love and encouragement. I am very thankful, honored and touched by every one's kind words. So, now I would like to ask that everyone who has been so kind to me, to send positive thoughts to Carsten, who is struggling right now with a few things and I know could use some support. He is a great person and I hate to know that he is hurting and having a hard time.

Stay in bed, forget the rest

That was basically my motto for much of Thursday. I wonder if I should have stayed in Baraboo a couple more days before coming down to Courtney's place. In Baraboo I can walk around to distract myself, out here I am really just more isolated than I think I need to be. As such, after my last blog entry on Thursday I proceeded to spend the rest of the day either in bed or up doing crunches on the yoga ball. At one point during the day I decided to weigh myself again and the scale here said 178 pounds, though I find that hard to believe. My friend Alica phoned me, and we talked for about an hours, the whole time I was laying in bed under the covers. Courtney's dog Buddy never left my side! Even while I lay in bed crying and while sitting on the couch in tears, he was on my lap staring at me.

Once Courtney and Hailey arrived home, we ate dinner and I helped Hailey with her homework. She did really quite well, though she also gets frustrated easily. She is a bundle of energy and some how Courtney manages to stay calm through it all. Anyway, after dinner we made homemade banana bread and then Hailey read me a story before she went off to bed.

Now it is Friday morning and I slept horrible last night. My mind was racing for much of the night. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:25am and I couldn't seem to turn off my thinking. Once I did fall asleep I dreamt I was in Baraboo, calling an attorney in Germany and speaking fluent German. Of course when I woke up I started saying some of the words from my dream, as I miss speaking German and going to my Integration Course.

My first full day in Madison, well the morning of it so far

Last night Courtney drove up to Baraboo to pick me up for my long weekend in Madison. I invited her to stay for dinner, where she, Chris and I had steak, green beans and potatoes to eat. It was a nice dinner and afterward we sat around for a couple hours in front of the fireplace catching up on things and recalling memories from years past.

Once we made it back to Courtney's place, we watched a couple episodes of The Office before retiring to bed. I slept for crap and could not get comfortable. You would think after 2.5 weeks of sleeping on a sofa sleeper I would drift away to dream land immediately once laying my head down in a real bed. But alas that was not the case.

I woke up this morning again with the overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread. I never thought I would be back in this place, especially so soon after moving to Germany, and I never in a million years thought my life would be this messed up at this stage in my life. Yesterday I felt so good for the first time in weeks and today it feels like I slid back to a darker place again. Maybe this is all normal; but if it is I want the abnormal...NOW!

I was wondering if yesterday was a better day because it was the first sunny day in over a week and now today is dark and cloudy and it will likely begin to rain any moment now. Can the weather impact my mood so greatly?

Yesterday was also the first time in weeks that I listened to music other than by Alanis and Tracy Chapman. I think that might have helped as well, since music has always been such a big part of my life. Today I chose Jody Watley to listen to and this is the song that came up...probably not the best choice:

I've been around for quite some time
Patiently waiting for you to settle down
But my patience is starting to wear very thin
From stories of your women time and time again

So don't take my love for granted
Or you might lose this good thing
I'm trying to do the best I can for you
And when you stop playing around
You'll really know it's true

That I'm the one you need Baby
I'm the one you need Baby
If you look inside your heart
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby

Cause I care for you
I live for you
I'm not out to get your money
Cause I buy my own clothes
And I play my own rent

All I want from you is love and affection
That'll keep us moving in the right direction
So don't take my love for granted
Or you might lose this good thing

I'm trying to do the best I can for you
And when you stop playing around
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby

I'm the one you need Baby
If you look inside your heart
You'll really know it's true
That I'm the one you need Baby
Cause I care for you
I live for you

A Productive Day...So Far

I woke up this morning feeling down in the dumps and sorry for myself. I also had several dreams last night and every one of them had to do with vaginas in one form or another; I know, how many forms can they possibly take on :) Anyway, I have no idea what to make of that, so we'll just move on.

After a bit of just laying in bed, I decided to get up and work out. I did 100 ab crunches and ran for half an hour. I felt such a relief it was amazing. I cried for about five minutes while on the treadmill, but that was because one particular song came on that brought back a flood of emotions. But after that past, I felt a new sense of strength that I have not felt in weeks, maybe even months. I proceeded to work on my CV and updating all my information. I also cleaned the house and worked on cleaning up files on my computer here.

I have not made any decisions about my future, but today I feel like I may be at the beginning stages of having some clarity about what I want and how to get it.

In other news, I will be leaving in a few hours to spend a long weekend in Madison, reconnecting with friends and trying to put some space in between my sadness and what life should actually be all about. I hope to have regular access to a computer while I am away in order to keep up-to-date with my blog, but if I don't, I will write all about it when I return on Sunday.

To end this post, here is the song that I have been listening to all day so far, which I think has helped my mood and given me my new sense of strength.

Sing ~ Wynonna

Its in the wind
Noise and steam
‘neath your skin
And in your dream
It’s who you are
It’s how you feel
A guiding star
Your driving wheel

Sing
(Let it take you
Let it make you
Never break you down)
Sing
(Let it mold you
Let it make you bold
And never hold you down)
Sing
Sing, your heart out

Its on the street
The neon glare
The hard concrete
The cold night air
Its in your voice
The way you sound
Have no choice
But come unwound

Sing
(Your songs of truth and pain
All the things you can’t explain)
Sing
(The way you feel inside
Let the music be your guide)
Sing, your heart out

Sing it like you hear it
Like you have no need to fear it now
Sing it like you know it
Like you’re not afraid to show us how
Sing from somewhere way down deep
Sing and make the angels weep
Sing and open heaven’s door
Sing ‘til you can’t sing no more

Sing
(Your songs of dark and light
Make your mark with all your might)
Sing
(Your songs of hope and fear
Sing the song that sent you hear)
Sing, your heart out
Sing
Sing
Sing, your heart out
Sing
Sing, your heart out

Another job down the drain

I had heard recently about a job in Phoenix that would be perfect for me; however, I found out today that it is in fact not going to be available to me. Such is life I guess. I did have a pretty good day though; I spent a couple hours with my friend Kris which was fun and at home I did some cleaning and then made lasagna and garlic bread for dinner. During the night we just sat in front of the fire place and watched some Scooby Doo. How did I do that you wonder, since we don't have cable or an antenna? Well, Chris had bought me some Scooby Doo DVDs for Christmas last year and decided to give them to me last Sunday. So now we have three seasons worth of What's New Scooby Doo to watch!! And as if things could get any better than Scooby Doo, Madonna released her most recent double disk greatest hits today, along with a DVD video compilation. So, I treated myself and bought them all. Financially maybe not the best plan, but I need to do something to get me out of this depressed mood.

I can't catch a break!

Well, it appears that not only does my partner possibly not want me, but neither does any job I show interest in. It feels quite clear to me at this point that neither job in Chicago that I applied for will be hiring me and I heard from the job in Switzerland today that they are unable to hire me as well. I have also been in contact with someone else in Germany for the past three months trying to find work, but she just emailed me and said she has nothing for me as well. And lastly, every other job I applied for in Germany has already rejected me, so at this point in time I have no job prospects on the horizon. Maybe this is good, since I don't know where I will be living in the next couple of months. I know where I want to be, but maybe the plan is for me to be living in Baraboo, working at Kwik Trip and being alone. Speaking of that, in the late 90's I went to have my Tarot Cards read and then the following night I had my palm read some place else by another person. I don't hold much stock in all this, but they both told me the same thing, which was, I have a short love life and that I shouldn't expect to have a significant love in my life but rather be surrounded by family friends. That I should expect to be alone and that I have a long life line to enjoy that alone time.

Monday, Monday

Today was a typical autumn day for Wisconsin, windy with grey skies and cool temperatures. It was a perfect day to be lazy, so what did I do? I rearranged Chris' furniture, cleaned the house and did his laundry. At 2pm I met with my Dad and we headed off to Culver's for frozen custard, which really hit the spot since I hadn't eaten anything yet. For dinner we had pork chops on the grill, cauliflower and baked potatoes, which we ate while sitting in front of the fire place. During the night, we headed off to a local pub where we chatted with some friends and I watched the Dallas Cowboys football game, where they won against the North Carolina Panthers. I don't know much about football, but it seemed like a pretty interesting game. But the best part of the day was getting an email from my teacher back on Germany. It really warmed my heart and at the same time made me miss being in Germany even more.

Sunday night and into Monday

For much of Sunday afternoon and then for the entire evening, Chris and I sat in front of his fireplace. I can't believe how much I have been around fire in the last two weeks or so. I find it comforting for some reason and am most calm while staring at the flames. Anyway, we sat in front of the fire, me with a bottle of red wine and Chris drinking Pepsi. He decided that if I could have a dry day on Saturday, he would have one on Sunday. I spent some time tonight looking at pictures of the last 7.5 years of my life with Carsten, remembering all the fun times, all the trips and all my different hair styles. It was probably a mistake to look at them, as they made me even more sad, but I miss him so much and even seeing a picture of him reminds me why I am still wanting to make things work. Around 11:30pm, Chris went to bed and I decided to call my friend Laura, as it has been too long since I was in contact with her. We were on the phone for a little over 2.5 hours and as always, she was a great source of support and comfort. Around 3am I finally went to bed and it didn't take long to fall asleep. On a side note, the song that has been in my head for three days now is 2 out of 3 Ain't Bad, by Meatloaf. God I hate that song!! So, this morning I finally got myself out of bed after having a great dream; seriously, I mean anyone who knows me well knows my dreams are usually not that pleasant, but last night I dreamed that Carsten and I lived together, in a warm climate, with our two cats. We were so happy in the dream and full of life and love. When I woke up I thought for a moment that the dream was real life and all this other stuff was just a bad dream. What a shock to my system when it all came back to me what is going on in my life at the moment.

My Weekend: The Cliff Note Version

Friday night was one of the most fun I have had in several weeks and by far the best time since I have been in Baraboo. What made it so great was that while we were out at a local pub two of my cousins, Lori and Lindsey, joined us out. It was great to see them and to spend time with them, but what made it really special was hearing Chris and Lindsey performing karaoke to the song "Like A Virgin." I laughed so hard my stomach hurt!

Saturday was a low-key day for me. I had a hard time getting out of bed and didn't have much ambition to do much once I was up. We did have a yummy brunch of cinnamon French toast and fresh pork bacon. Chris went out to mow the lawn and pick up leaves while I swept out the garage. And after two weeks of being here I finally had a phone conversation with Carsten. It was not the feel-good call I wanted, but it was great to hear his voice. After the phone call I felt sad, empty and totally depleted of any emotion. I began to wonder how you can love someone so much and at the same time feel such distance from them. In the evening Chris and I had a bonfire and just sat outside watching the fire, telling stories of our lives and each trying to figure our lives out.

Sunday was an earlier day than Saturday. We had a tasty breakfast and then got ready to go to the mall shopping. Neither one of us has any extra money, but we both still managed to make purchases. Chris bought himself a new pair of tennis shoes, which look great on him. I bought myself a great green raincoat, so that when/if I return to Germany I will have something to wear while I ride my bike in the wet weather. My other purchase was a new pair of jeans. I don't wear jeans often and only own a couple pairs. However, I have been losing weight and the one pair I packed for this trip back to the US doesn't fit me as well. When I left for Germany last October I weighed the most I have ever in my life, 207 pounds. However, now I am 184 pounds and down from a size 35/36 to a 32/33. So, my new jeans are the skinny brand of jeans and I felt great when I tried them on. Plus, my back side looks fan-friggin-tastic!! To make the deal even sweeter, they were 50% off!!! Once back home, Carsten phoned again, and again although I love hearing his voice, what is actually said hurts my heart and makes me feel sick to my stomach.

And now, I am sitting in front of the fire place, with the cold, rainy weather outside just trying to make it through another day.

Doom and Gloom has set in

It has been a couple of days since I last wrote and for good reason, I just didn't have the energy to put forth the effort. If I thought I was depressed before, this week has kicked my butt and let me know that I haven't seen anything yet. The weather has also turned sour here this week, which I believe has only heightened my negative state.

On Wednesday a friend came to the door to visit me, but I couldn't even manage to answer the door. I don't know if she knows I was sitting right there, and if she does I hope she doesn't take it personally. I was in no place for visitors and instead of saying so I took the lazy way out and just didn't move. For the rest of Wednesday I made homemade Chicken and Dumpling Soup. It was my first time and I didn't even use a recipe. I am a caretaker at heart and even if I am feeling bad, I am still here to help take care of Chris. As a side note, I had no idea how long it took to make this...dang, it is basically an entire day project. In addition to making the soup, I finished one book and then immediately began another. I don;t have TV or phone here and every song I hear makes me cry, so I decided to bury myself in books. On Wednesday night Chris and I managed to have a bonfire in between the rain. Since being here I have found fire and bonfires to be relaxing and meditative. Now, if only the rain would stop so we could have more of them!

For Thursday I had big plans for getting up early, getting ready and heading for the local coffee shop, just to get me out of the house. However, upon waking, my mood was the same as the previous day, maybe even a bit lower. Someone again came to the door and I just let it go. The social butterfly I one was appears to be hibernating. A bit later the door bell rang again and it was the same friends. I decided that I should at least acknowledge them since the made the effort to stop by not one, but twice in one day. We ended up talking for over 3 hours, which all though it was nice to see them and catch up, I just couldn't shake the heaviness of my body and wanting to be alone with my gloom.

Once these friends left I needed to get ready as I was having dinner with my friend Kris at her place. It was a fun night and the food was great, though I think we might have had too much Gin and wine, assuming that is even possible.

And here I am at Friday. I have been here for about two weeks and feel no better, maybe even worse, than when I arrived. As much as I have enjoyed seeing family and friends and occasionally meeting new people, I can't help but think of how much better this would be if I wasn't burdened with so much pain and sadness. Chris tells me people understand and I shouldn't worry about it. Maybe he is right, but in the end all that is easier said than done.

Not the person I once was

Over the past couple of weeks I have begun to take stock of who I am as a person. I have noticed that I am not the person I once was. I often saw myself as happy, fun to be with and to use my humor as much as possible. I liked life for the most part and though some saw me as being pessimistic at times, I believe it was my defense mechanism to prepare for the rough times in life. As of late, I now see myself as an empty shell of who I once was. I feel like a failure, a loser and pathetic. My happiness now is forced and not genuine. I don't like this new me and at the same time I have no desire to change. My zest for life has left me, at least for the time being. Some say time heals all wounds. Maybe this is true, but the wound I feel currently is so consuming of me I can't even begin to imagine how much time it would take to heal. My spirit is broken, my faith in people is tainted and all my tears never seem to bring me any sense of relief from the pain that consumes my body.

Yesterday

I meant to write about my day yesterday last night, but just couldn't muster up the energy. So, here is a recap of the day.

It was a colder, rainy day and felt very much like fall was settling in. I had plans to walk with my friend Kris during her lunch break but due to the weather, we decided to do some shopping instead. We made a quick run out to the Super Walmart and then stopped by Farm and Fleet. While in there I heard a song that brought back happier memories of Carsten and really seemed to impact my mood. I tried to hide it, but for the rest of the day I just felt a little sadder. After Farm and Fleet we went to a local store here in Baraboo that sells kitchen and cooking stuff. I love the store, but I also find it a bit pricey, especially for this town.

After my time with Kris I met my Aunt Sugar for lunch. We went to where we always go and I got my favorite thing on the menu there, Buffalo Chicken Salad. I wasn't able to eat all of it, but I did pretty well.

After lunch I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner on Wednesday, as I am trying out something new for dinner.

Once Chris arrived home from work we were off to our grandma's for dinner at her place. She made BBQ ribs, au gratin potatoes, corn and salad and then for dessert some really yummy chocolate pie thingy.

Chris was exhausted due to the late night on Monday and thus he fell asleep wherever he was, the chair, the couch and then back home he was out on the couch for a few hours before making his way into bed. As for me, I was on the phone talking to my gal pal Laura and also with Courtney for a bit.

At the end of the night I read for a while about one man's struggle with kidney disease. Although I don't have a disease, my broken heart at times feels like one and some of the things he wrote about, in terms of giving up and feeling alone and isolated, really hit home. I finished half the book and plan to finish the rest today.

A request, without the dedication :)

I want to again thank everyone for their support during this time of my life; the amount of support has been fantastic. That being said, I am asking you to not ask how I am doing, how I am feeling or what my plans are. I am feeling sad, hurt and scared for my future. I am not doing all that well and I have no idea what my future holds at this time. I ask you not to share your opinions unless specifically asked and to keep your analysis of my situation until deemed appropriate. I know everyone means well, but it is all becoming a bit too overwhelming for me to take in at this time. I love you all dearly, but until I figure some things out, I have no answers to your questions. I thank you in advance for your understanding during this time. Much love!!!

A night by the bonfire

Well, I cleaned as planned for today. Actually, due to my high level of anxiety today I cleaned the inside of the house as well as raked some of the lawn and swept the two driveways. Clearly I had a lot of energy :) Later in the night Chris and I had a bonfire and our mom joined as well for bit. Even later in the night a female friend of ours named Allyson joined as well. It was a fun night, but late night. While Chris and I were alone we again talked about our life and what we want from it.
He didn't always say what I wanted to hear, but maybe what I needed to hear! He has a lot of insight and and though our lives are quite different, some things are just universal.

Changing plans for today

My goal for today was to get up early, go running and do some sit-ups and then get ready to have lunch with a therapist friend of mine to talk through my current situation and to help me find some clarity and to possibly find a solution to my infinite sadness. However, after another night of horrible sleep filled with even worse dreams about being rejected, abandoned and murdered, I found it hard to actually get out of bed today. Thus, I didn't go running, but I did do my sit-ups. As for lunch with my friend, it needs to be rescheduled due to illness on her end. Although I was bummed at first, another friend stepped up to the plate and invited me to go walking this afternoon. Now I don't have to worry about not running because I will be walking for close to two hours when all is said and done. Once I get back from the walk I should finally do some laundry and quite possibly clean up the house. I mean, it has been three days since I cleaned here.

The weekend comes to a close

After brunch today, Chris and I laid low for a while. With stuff to do but no real motivation we found comfort in the living room, as well as sitting in the sun in the backyard talking about life and the road to happiness. Later in the afternoon I went over to my friend Michelle's place. I have not seen her since last year before I left, so it was great to catch up on things. The funniest thing about the visit was I drove over to her house using Chris' huge truck. It is my first time driving in nearly one year and so I was a bit scared, especially since his truck is gigantic. But I had no troubles at all and made it back safe and sound.

For dinner Chris and I made chicken on the grill and had corn and stuffing. I am noticing that I am eating way more for dinner here than I ever did in Germany, except for the times when Carsten and I were visiting his mom, then I ate everything in sight.

After dinner I started to feel pretty sad again. Chris had started a fire in the fireplace and we just sat there, enjoying the warmth and talking more about our lives and how we have ended up in our current situations. We are both in pain and although I want to be back in Germany, part of me is glad to be here with my little brother right now too.

My weekend so far...

On Friday afternoon I went to see my friend Kris again and we went to Walmart. My first time there since being back in the States. They have a new look, but still the same ol' store. On Friday night Chris and I went out with some friends to a bar in Baraboo I had never been to before. I had been warned, I mean told, about this place ahead of time, and it wasn't half as bad as I expected. We had a good time, I met some new people and was able to reconnect with some old friends. I was told through out the night that I looked sad, so although I am trying to put on a happy face, clearly I need to work on it some.

On Saturday Chris and I decided to have a bit of a lazy day. We dumped off the compost and then went to Walmart to buy some toiletries. We watched a DVD in the afternoon and just hung out outside for the rest of the day. For dinner we went out with my mom and her husband to the new Mexican restaurant in Baraboo. It was way, way better than I expected. I mean everything was delicious!!! I did not have a margarita, yet, as I knew I was going out tonight and didn't want to mix my alcohol. After dinner, Chris and I met out with a bunch of our (his) friends for a birthday celebration. It was a long but fun night. I got to meet more new people and again catch up with some I haven't seen or talked to since before I moved to Germany. I was again told that I looked sad, especially in my eyes.

Today is Sunday and Chris and I will make brunch at the house and then see what the day brings. I might be ale to meet up with a friend of mine today to catch up on thing, as well as possibly going out again tonight with some friends of Chris'.

Missing

I have been back on the States for about one week and although it is great being back with my family and friends, meeting new people and hanging out with the old group, I am really missing Carsten and my life back in Germany. Besides Carsten, I miss my girls Zoe and Lela as well as my comfy bed!!! Here I am sleeping on a sleeper sofa and though it is better than the floor, it isn't nearly as good as my new bed back on Freiburg. I have received emails from a couple of people from my class in Freiburg and am even missing the class as well.

Glad it's Friday

Yesterday was not a very good day. Though I did go shopping (I didn't buy anything) with my friend Aimee, the rest of the day I was basically curled in a ball on the floor in tears. From an outsider looking in I am sure it looked pretty pathetic, but that's where I was at that moment.

In the evening I went for a walk with my mom and then later back at Chris' place we lit a fire in the fireplace. It didn't take long after that for both of us to feel quite drowsy. Thus, last night was the earliest I have been to bed since I arrived in Baraboo.

I don't have too much on the agenda for today, but my goal is to stay off the floor as much as possible. I believe Carsten might be at his mom's place this weekend, so it looks like we are both turning to our family for support right now.

The Promise

If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

By Tracy Chapman

Another day and more sit-ups

While staying at Chris', I have access to an Ab Lounger and a Treadmill. Needless to say, both are being used regularly. I really miss my jogging route in Freiburg, but for the time being, the Treadmill will work out just fine.

I met a friend of mine today during her lunch hour. This friend, Kris, sought me out on facebook and a few months ago was able to locate me. We had not seen one another since our high school graduation, so it was a real treat to catch up after so many years; or at least begin to catch up. I am looking forward to seeing her again soon, not only because she is a great person, but because she has really helped me to think through my current situation.

After meeting up with Kris, I stopped by my aunt's work and talked to her for a bit. I am noticing that I really don't like being alone right now and since everyone has a job (which is great in this economy) it leaves me with too much down time. Anyway, once I arrived back home I did Chris' laundry and cleaned the house some before beginning to prepare dinner. Today in many ways was a lot like my life in Freiburg, minus the seeing a friend and my aunt.

Tonight we helped a friend pick up a riding lawnmower and then when we returned home we had a bonfire and enjoyed the quiet, yet chilly, evening. To my surprise, okay not really, I finished an entire bottle of wine while sitting there. My brain is struggling at shutting off and sleep is not coming easy for me, especially right now, but the wine tonight will hopefully help with that.

Day with Dad and dinner with Grandma

This morning I woke up early again and decided to do some more exercising. I decided that when I go back to Germany I want to look even better than when I left. I know, I know, how could I possibly get any better looking, is what your thinking.

Anyway, my dad arrived at noon and we took a trip to Madison to eat at Red Lobster. It has been years since I have eaten there and the biscuits are still as good as I remember. After lunch we took the long way home, which included a ferry ride. I have not been on this ferry I think since I was a kid, so it was a nice treat.

For dinner my brother, Chris, and I ate at my grandma's place. She was so excited to cook us dinner and boy was it tasty. The best part was the apple goody she made for dessert :)

Later in the evening Chris and I went to a local pub to meet up with some of his friends and so I could watch the Cubs baseball game. Again they won against the Brewers!!!!

I am missing Carsten and being in Germany tremendously, but am also enjoying the opportunity to catchup with people back here in the States.

A day with Mom

Today I spent a majority of the day with my mom. I woke up early, as I couldn't sleep with so much on my mind. I went running and did 75 sit-ups. Then got ready for the day and walked over to my mom's place. We decided to take a little drive up to Mauston, WI and then once back in town we went to some shops and then went to see a friend of mine and her new house. It is weird how everything can be turned around and I am able to apply it to my thoughts and situation. I am not happy about this as it makes me feel even sadder, but I guess it is what it is. Later that night I went to a farm with my brother to hang out for a bit. Since it is Wisconsin I guess it was inevitable that I would end up on a farm at some point during this trip. After eating dinner at a pizza place Chris, my brother, and I went out to a local pub to hang with some friends for a bit and watch the football and baseball games on TV. Cubs beat the Brewers!!!! And now we are home and I am getting ready for bed. Tomorrow I am spending the day with my dad and then having dinner at my grandma's place. One would think with all the people I am seeing and running around I am doing I wouldn't have time to think about things, and yet the pain and sadness seems to always be right there with me at every moment.

32 Hour Marathon

I was up for 32 hours yesterday...and for a it of today. It was a long day and one that was filled with many emotions. My flight out of Frankfurt was great. It was smooth and I was able to watch four movies. I cried for most of the flight, but I think that is understandable considering the situation. I had a brief layover in Detroit and then off to Madison. All went as really well.

Later that night my brother had thrown together a get-together and bonfire at his place to welcome me home. Some family and friends were in attendance and it was nice to see everyone. I know I am fortunate for all of them, especially during this difficult time in my life.

Even though I was tired I didn't same able to sleep and thus stayed up with the bonfire quite late and even after everyone else left I stayed up longer to try and think about where my life is at currently and where it is going. In the end I was up for 32 hours straight before going to sleep. And once I did go to bed I was out for a solid 8 hours. I heard nothing and don't think I even moved much either.

But now it is Sunday I am off to visit with my grandma and to go grocery shopping for some food.

At That Particular Time

This is the song that at this moment feels to capture my life quite well...


my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not to run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself. i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time

By Alanis Morrisette

A change in plans

Due to some personal problems, I am temporarily leaving Germany and returning to the States. I plan to continue writing the blog and though the title is William in Germany, for the time being it will not be about my life here in Germany, but rather my life in general and the adventures that come along my way. I am thankful to everyone for their support during this transition. I love you all very much. And a special thank you to Carsten. I love him more than words could express and I am so thankful for the opportunity to experience life with him in another country!!

My goal for yesterday failed

Yesterday will likely go down as my worst day here in Germany. I have a lot going on right now and due to some personal issues I will be taking some time off from the blog. My hope is to be back up and writing on here again within a week or so. Thanks again for all your support during this time.

I have faith...

that today will be a better day. Though I did wake up this morning after having a dream that I was starring in adult films with David Hassellhoff and we were the hottest thing in the business. And what song was in my head when I awoke; Not As We by Alanis Morrisette. However, even with both those things, my goal is to shed no tears today and to not bite off any one's head. Wish me luck :)

Let's see how today goes

I have a feeling yesterday will be remembered (though I wish I wouldn't) as a day that I would rather not have experienced. It started off with me being in class and snapping at a fellow classmate. Now, I know it is hard for you to believe that I could do something like this, but yes it does happen from time to time. To make matters worse, the teacher reprimanded me in front of the class stating I should be nicer and I need to make sure people understand what I am saying. From my perspective, my face said everything and my mouth was just extra!!!

Much of the remainder of my day was spent purging feelings. I basically cried for 8 hours straight. Since I was having so much fun with it, I decided why not add some music to help get it all out even quicker. Enter Alanis and Tracy Chapman. The thing is, I cried a whole heck more but never felt any sort of release.

I woke up this morning and proceeded to release some more feelings and then immediately after my class it all started over again. Tonight Carsten and I are to meet up with a friend, but let's face it, if my eyes are red and swollen from crying I am not going out of the house.

My assumption is that you are wondering where all this emotion is coming from. Well, it appears that my time in Germany will likely be coming to an end soon and I am feeling really torn and upset by this. Since I tend to over-think things (one of my very few faults) I have avalanched (I don't think this is a real word but I'm using it anyway) into what my life would be back in the States and am picturing myself working at Wal-Mart back in my hometown. I guess it could be worse, which is probably where my mind will go today!

With that, I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has read my blog and provided me support and encouragement during this journey. Whether this experience has in fact come to an end has yet to be seen, but no matter what I want to thank you for sharing it with me.

No 'real' entry today

I am taking a personal day away from the blog today; instead I am listening to Alanis Morissette and purging some of my built feelings.

Have a great Labor Day for all you in the US!!!

Wish tomorrow was a holiday here!

Today was a bit of a rough day. I had a couple glasses of wine on Saturday night while on the phone with my brother, and I think this may have been a bad idea since we were going to a beer garden later in the night. At any rate, we had a fun time, but clearly beer and wine don't mix. After the beer garden last night the three of us, (me, Carsten and Björn) went to a bar/dance club. I'm not sure exactly when we got home, but today we were both tired throughout the day.

In the mail on Saturday I received a gift box from my aunt and one of the contents was popcorn. So, guess what I ate tonight during the Sunday night crime series? You guessed it, a big bowl of popcorn. Oh my was it good!!! Another item in the box was peanut butter, which I had for breakfast on an English Muffin. I think I need to space this stuff out so it last longer because at the rate I am going it won't even last one week :)

It really feels like fall

The weather here has turned quite cold, cloudy and rainy. It feels like autumn with winter close on its heels. I don't mind too much, though I must admit I am not looking forward to riding my bike in such cold, snowy weather. The winters here are much better than back in the Midwest, but that isn't saying much since winter there can be quite horrendous.

So today began with me making a quick trip to the bakery to buy some fresh rolls for breakfast. After eating we went to the grocery store to buy some veggies and other stables for the week. This afternoon Carsten went to meet a friend for coffee and I finished the book I was reading. It was a murder mystery called Firewall by Henning Mankell. He is a brilliant author and his books are quite top-notch.

Tonight Carsten and I are to meet a friend of Carsten's from his days at the University. Though it is quite chilly out, we are meeting at a beer garden; I mean, isn't that what is done here in Germany?!?

Another week is over

I am glad to see this week end. I see the weekend as being a time to regroup, to rest one's brain and the accumulate energy for the week ahead. I am still amazed at how much one's brain works. It feels to me as though my rarely rests; maybe if I didn't have such vivid dreams and could sleep through the night my mind would be better rested, but that is not the case.

I had hoped to hear something from the two jobs I interviewed for this week, but that didn't happen. I know both places could work for me, they would just entail making some major changes. But I guess that is what life is all about. I mean, if two years ago someone said I would be living in Germany, I would have thought they were crazy, but here I am.

I think most people who know me are aware of my belief that things happen for a reason an that it is up to us to figure out what the reason is. Right now I don't know what is going to happen, where I will end up and how things will look. Hopefully within the next week or so at least some things will begin falling into place. In the meantime, I have my German Integration class to occupy my time and in just two months I have a major exam I need to take, and of course pass!

Happy Birthday Aunt Sugar!

Today my aunt turns, well, let's just say it's her birthday :) As you can see from the heading I call her Aunt Sugar. According to the story told to me, as a young(er) person I was not able to say her name correctly and would call her Aunt Sugar instead of Aunt Cheryl. The name stuck and she still gets called it, at least by me. It seems pretty fitting as well as she is one of the sweetest people you could ever meet and is so full of life, love and joy. She is a real pleasure to be around and I am very thankful to know she has my back!!

By the way, this picture is from Christmas 2005 and as you can see from the photo, she wants more gifts. You know I like that in a person, gimme, gimme more, gimme more, gimme, gimme more.

The good news keeps coming (that's sarcasm)

With the teaching job possibly out of the picture, I looked at the flight to the US that I was hoping to take in December. If I get the job of teaching English to the children in Basel, then that trip can't happen, so with it on hold I looked at the flight and now it is no longer available. Other flights do exist, but they cost roughly 100 Euros ($144) more than the flight I originally looked in to. Time to do some deep breathing and remind myself that everything happens for a reason. And right now that reason must be to work my last nerve :)

And like that things change

Well, I just received an email from the job in Basel that they are doing some checking to ensure that I have the necessary qualifications to do the job. So much for having a doctorate degree :) Now, at this time the three-day trial work that was scheduled for next week is on hold and I should hopefully hear something by next Monday. From my perspective, this should have been dealt with before offering me the 3-day trial run, but what do I know?!?

Oh, and of the other jobs I have applied for here, most have returned my vitae thanking me for applying but stating they are not interested in me. Such a boost for one's self-esteem :) However, because I tend to be a bit narcissistic and am able to complement myself like you wouldn't believe, I will say this about me; I am one persistent, young, attractive, highly intelligent and modest human being!

Thinking on the job situation

I decided that after my class today, which went by really fast, that I would do some studying (working ahead in my workbook) and also writing out some thoughts on the two jobs. Though neither job has made an offer, I want to have my thoughts in order in case that time comes. The job in Basel doesn't begin until the beginning of November; however, the job in Chicago could start as early as the end of this month. So, many thoughts are going through my brain right now. Both sides have pros and cons and according to Carsten I need to make my decision based on my mind not my heart. In other words, the German way :) Now, anyone who knows me has got to realize that me making a decision without involving my heart is like me saying no to a Gin and Tonic. Basically it isn't going to happen!!! Where is Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network right now to tell me what my future holds???

Another job interview

Today was a good day. I had my class this morning and although I had one month off, I have not forgotten as much as I had expected. I am not saying I remember everything, but I seem to remember enough :)

My afternoon was filled with homework and some cleaning and then late afternoon/early evening my time I had a phone interview for a job in Chicago. The interview lasted 1.5 hours and went really well. I really enjoy interviewing and I had a good time during this one. Now it is a waiting game to see what happens. It looks like I have a lot of things to think about and try to make sense of my situation. Any feedback or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

In other news, all is going well and I am looking forward to seeing what this next phase in my life is going to look like.

My return to school

It is hard to believe that my one month of vacation is already over. For the most part, it was a fun month off, with only a couple of blips in things. But now it is back to the books and having some structure in my life, or at least in the mornings.

In other news, the job I interviewed for yesterday has already sent me an email asking me to come for three days next week on a trial basis to see how the kids like me. I am not sure how that will work with my own schooling, as well as wanting to get paid for my time, but hopefully I can get answers to those things in the next couple of days.

A day of reflection

Well, the entire day was not spent reflecting, but much of it was. You see, today was my interview in Basel, Switzerland for a position teaching English to preschool aged children. The picture to the right is me before I left the house for the interview. Speaking of leaving the house, I left at around 10:30am to catch the bus outside my apartment and walked through my apartment door at 5:30pm. Now, keep in mind that my interview was only 45 minutes long. The rest of the time was waiting for trains, walking around Basel waiting for my appointment time, waiting for more trains and then making it home. If I should be offered and accept this position, please let me find a more suitable train schedule :)

Now, on to the reflecting part. It occurred to me that if this job works out I would not be able to come home for a visit for quite some time. I need a job, but I also need a trip back home. Also, I have a phone interview later this week with a job in the States; however, am I really ready to leave Germany yet? I don't know. We finally got our furniture, after spending so much money on it, it feels like such a waste to just leave. Plus, I love living here. These (and many others) were my thoughts today while on trains and waiting for trains.

Tomorrow I return to my school. Can you believe my month off is over already; I know I can't! I am looking forward to returning to my routine and having more to do.

Alica's gone :(

Today we had to take Alica back to Frankfurt to catch her flight back to Chicago. The drive is about 3 hours each way, but thankfully we didn't have too much traffic or construction to deal with. She arrived at the airport with plenty of time, especially since her flight was delayed a bit. After dropping her off we began the three hour drive back to Freiburg. We again had mostly smooth sailing, but we were also glad when we arrived back home. The rest of the day was preparing for the week ahead, as well as me taking a bit of a nap.

This week has some major things happening, so check back throughout the week to see what is happening with us over here.

And to hold you over a bit, click on the link here to see the week with Alica caught on pictures.

Another low-key day

Even though we behaved ourselves at the beer garden, we did not do too much today. The weather was sunny, but not nearly warm enough to hang out at the pool. So instead Alica exposed me to a new TV program, "Eastbound and Down." It is clearly only for adults and has great writing and very funny moments in each episode. Now, from my perspective it only makes since that Alica should open my eyes to another TV program, since during her visit I exposed her to the classic program Maude. It's all about balance people!!!

Later in the evening we played a few games of Yahtzee and then watched a couple episodes of Golden Girls, I swear it was her choice!!!

A change in plans

Here is what I had planned for today: going jogging, eating breakfast, going to the nearby pool, heading off to the medieval torture museum and ending the day at a beer garden. Now, here is what really happened: went jogging/walking, had crap weather and so the pool was out of the question, the museum was closed for good so no going there, but the night did end with us going to a beer garden. The beer tastes so much better here than in the US.

The picture to the right is Alica working the bus stop on our way down to the beer garden. She should be in catalogues :)

Strasbourg

Today Alica and I had our own little adventure. We hopped on a train (and then another train, and then another train) and eventually, actually after only 2.5 hours, in Strasbourg, France. We walked around the City Centre, saw the big cathedral, drank a $5 coke, ate a baguette sandwich and walked around some more. We had a fun time; I mean, how many people can say they decided to spend an afternoon in France?!?

For dinner the three of us had dinner at a little restaurant close to our apartment. The food was really quite good. It was the first time I have eaten in the area and am glad that the first experience was a good one!

Only two more full days until we take Alica back to the airport. That also means my month long school break is almost over. Where does the time go?

A topsy-turvy day

The day started out promising, with Alica and I getting up and going in jogging. However, by early afternoon the day took a turn for the worse. Carsten and I received some bad news that we need to take care of quickly, which put a bit of a damper on the day. However, by the end of the day, we ordered a pizza and watched the movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I think it is safe to say that of the three of us I liked the movie the best, but really that isn't saying much about the film. Oh, and as for the pizza, they sent us the wrong one, but delivered the right one for free, so now we have pizza to spare.

Tomorrow Alica and I are having an adventure of our own, so keep a look out for what is in store for Thursday!!!

A low key day

Today was a much more relaxing day. Alica slept in for a bit and I did some reading. Later in the afternoon she and I went into the City Centre to do some shopping. I have no pictures of the outing, nor did we buy anything :( The weather was rainy and neither of us found anything that we couldn't live without. Hopefully the weather will be better tomorrow and we can do something extra fun!!!

Basel

Today the three of us took the train and headed to Basel, Switzerland. To sum up the day it was sunny, hot and a lot of walking. We went into some shops, sat by the river Rhine and basically walked around the city centre trying not to melt. The picture here to the right is of Carsten and Alica this morning at the train stop right by our house.

While in Basel we saw something kind of interesting and fun. It was people with all their clothes in an orange inflatable bag floating down the river. I think it looked like a lot of fun and now need to find me one of those bags. Oh, and the people weren't naked, but were wearing swimsuits. After re-reading the post I thought some of you might think it was a naked adventure that I was looking into :)

Fun in Freiburg

Today was a bit of a low-key day. It started with Alica and I going for a walk after breakfast that lasted 1.5 hours. I showed her my running path as well as the neighborhood I live in. Afterward the three of us took the bikes and rode to the city centre. Basically nothing is open on Sunday's, but I thought it might be nice for her to see the downtown when it isn't covered with a ton of people (we will see enough of that later in the week). We had a nice and leisure walk though the city and ate dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant. Now we are at home and enjoying a calm night at home, as we are leaving for Basel, Switzerland tomorrow. As for the pictures from today, I plan to put up one picture from the day with each blog entry and will add a link at the end of the visit to see all the pictures from our week together.

I'm back home, but not alone :)

We made it back home and the cats survived the days without us. They are clearly happy to have us back in their company.

So, the week was pretty good; we had some fun, did some relaxing and ate way too much food...as usual.

The picture to the right is my new hair style. I went in with a picture and said I want this cut and this color. I didn't really get either, but I do like how it looks. When I told him I wanted blonde his question was "Blonde or Prison-Yard Blonde?" I decided I didn't really want any look associated with a prison yard (been there, done that) and decided to just go with blonde. I have had this color before, but it has been many years ago. It is a fun color though. Hopefully any job interview I might have will be okay with the color.

The highlight of the week was on Thursday when Carsten, his sister, her boyfriend (Peter) and me went to a climbing park called Kletterpark. It was a bit scary at times. Enough so that Peter decided not to do it after the first attempt. It was a lot of fun, but man was I scared and sweaty. I clearly have some fears that had not been obvious before. Anyway, to see pictures of us, just click here.

After the climbing park, we went to see a nearby dam on the Edersee. To see those pictures, click here.

Now we are back home and on the way we swung by the airport in Frankfurt and picked up Alica. I will try to take many pictures and share our time with all of you as much as possible. Oh, and she said the pictures of our place don't do it justice, it really is something to see in person. So, get on a plane and make a visit :)

Now, just try to keep up :)

Last night after getting home one thing I was looking forward to was watching my favorite German crime series, only to find out it played on Saturday this week instead of its normal Sunday night time. That is not untypical of the German TV, things seem to play whenever. Instead I watched one of my favorite programs from the 90's, The Profiler. I loved that show then and still love it now. After 4 episodes I decided to phone Alica, you know, just to make sure we are all set for her visit. When all was said and done I went to bed around 4:30am.

After waking up around 9:15am, Carsten and I had a brief conversation about our options for this week, which we spoke about last night, and decided that we would try going to his mom's again. However, this time without the cats. Carsten phoned a co-worker who is able and willing to stop by periodically to watch the cats. Anyone who knows me knows I have little to no trust in people and have concerns about a relative stranger in my home, but Carsten seems okay with this so maybe I should let me fears try to rest.

With that, I bid you farewell until next weekend when I will return home. Have a great week!!